Monday:

Why don’t you get a diffuser thing and fill it with Chanel cologne instead of some essential oil? RuPaul said that he bought a diffuser at MUJI — a shop that I am obsessed with and need a location nearer to me — and spritzed his favorite colognes in it. This filled his home with his favorite fragrance, and he felt decadent. I want to feel decadent like Ru. Maybe a MUJI diffuser will be my tax refund gift to me this year?

Tuesday:

Why don’t you celebrate the twentieth birthday of Madonna’s most iconic album — aside from the Evita soundtrack — Ray of Light, which I have on near constant rotation? And if not this one, why not listen to her vastly underrated gem Rebel Heart? I love Madonna, she’s such an icon. I hate how everybody is always talking her down. She doesn’t deserve to be dismissed. She’s a living legend. And those arms! Anyway, go listen to Madonna. She was one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to. Even though I say that about every concert I’ve ever been at. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Wednesday:

Why don’t you throw open all of your windows and air out your house? It has been so lovely the last few days, and I’ve been losing my mind being inside, so the second I got back from work every single window was opened. A fifty-degree breeze billowed through the rooms and dust flew everywhere and papers rustled and a particularly strong breeze knocked over a wine glass and chipped it…but how marvelous it was. Everything feels fresh and new and life has meaning again. How I loathe winter!

Thursday:

Why don’t you realize that life is meaningless and that there is no point in anything? I’m having an unpleasant day, reader. We needn’t get into it, but I just want to sit in my robe and drink a bottle of red wine straight from the bottle with a big straw. Don’t get to do that, though, I have to go to class tonight. It’s my last one of this particular course, and I’d usually be overly enthusiastic. But not today. Life isn’t always a joy or a treat, even though I try so hard to convince myself otherwise. 

Friday:

Why don’t you go get a surgery? I am dying for LASIK right now. I have been longing for it since I discovered it was an actual thing, but I’m at a point in my life where I just crave it. I don’t even care how much it costs every month to pay back the bill. I just want to wake up in the morning and see. I want to take a bath without steam-covered glasses. I want to wear sunglasses without thinking about putting in contacts. I want my eyes chopped open and shot with lasers. Get whatever surgery you long for, reader.