Monday:

Why don’t you spend the day deep cleaning your house? I like to think that I keep everything fairly neat and tidy, but I was quite horrified at how much dust had accumulated since the last time I bothered cleaning. Admittedly, I have been in a fairly unpleasant funk, but I’m not sure how I let that happen. I mean, my can of Pledge had dust on it, and if that’s not some kind of irony I don’t know what is. I was sweating like I’d run a marathon at the end. Quite rewarding at the end though.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you start learning a new language using the DuoLingo app? I am madly in love with this program. While it doesn’t begin to teach you the way a proper class would, you are able to pick up a lot of vocabulary. Today I saw that I have done three lessons every day for the last five hundred days. Isn’t that wild? I can read so much German now. Nowhere near fluent but more than none! Same with Romanian. I’ve been doing that for about a year. The fact that I know a handful of words is nothing short of delightful. Go learn, reader!!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you eat and drink your feelings without feeling guilty about it later? I had a pretty awful day on Monday, and even though I no longer take anything seriously, I couldn’t shake the news I got. I’m not going to go deep into this because I’m surely going to write about it extensively on another blog. I’m likely deaf forever, like you know, but in a vain attempt to get something back, they are going to SHOOT STEROIDS IN MY EAR BY SHOVING A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE THROUGH MY EARDRUM. Anyway, I went to Cheesecake Factory and gorged myself on stuffed mushrooms and passionfruit margaritas whilst idiotically watching videos of the procedure. I don’t recommend it. So distraught, I scuttled down to the Wine Experience for a brownie the size of my head and a class of champagne that was so extraordinary I wrote all of this to tell you about. Go to your local wine shop and buy this incredible champagne. I need a case. That’d be a great gift for me, by the way: Jean-Charles Boisset No. 21. Easily one of the best I have ever tried. And I’ve had GOOD champagne. Okay, I’ll stop now. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you start appreciating your health more, even if your health is crap? For decades I was the epitome of health. I wasn’t particularly fit, but I was never sick. Now I’m falling apart. Love your hearing while you’ve got it. And a waist while you have one. And nerves whilst they aren’t being eaten by multiple sclerosis. I’m so annoyed about this deafness. I’m sorry for blathering on about it for so long. I don’t want to wear hearing aids. I just want to eat cake and not workout and be terribly handsome. Oh well. 

Friday:

Why don’t you, for once in your life, sleep for the recommended eight hours that you’re supposed to get? I don’t think I ever have on a work night before last night. How refreshing! I don’t know how anybody is supposed to get anything done with eight hours of sleep plus eight hours of work, but it’s remarkably nice. I felt almost healthy even though I’m deaf and riddled with multiple sclerosis and have only ever been fatter twice in my life. I’m going back to sleep now.