Monday:

Why don’t you realize that you were born at exactly the right time and nothing in the past was as glamorous as it appears? Last night, for reasons I’m still not entirely sure of, I was watching a marathon of a show called It’s A Living. The episode was released a few months before I was born and the clothing was so monstrously hideous that I couldn’t help sighing in relief that I never teased my hair to the point of extinction. I would wear all of the sequins, but the rest of the late 80s fashion was absolutely nightmarish. I’m so glad to be alive now when black pants and oversized silky tops are all the rage. 

Tuesday:

Why don’t you start having a carajillo as your cocktail of choice? This summer in Mexico City I could not stop myself from guzzling one each time I saw it on the menu. IT IS DIVINE. To make this decadent treat, in a cocktail shaker add: ice, 2 ounces Licor 43, and a fresh double shot of espresso. Shake it more than you think you should and then pour it over ice in a gorgeous glass. The glass has to be gorgeous. It’s probably the most important step. This will change your life, reader. Trust me. I’m sipping one now.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you brush and seal all of your suede boots? I do hope you’ve started a collection of quality footwear. How are you thriving if you haven’t? I just got a new pair of light tan suede boots to replace the ones that completely fell apart in Mexico this summer. I’ve never actually worn a pair of shoes out before, so that was a shock. They lasted much longer than they might have, though, because I constantly sealed them and brushed out whatever damage was done to them. They never did fully recover from the blizzard of 2017 in New York City, unfortunately, but this pair will!

Thursday:

Why don’t you send Ariana Grande a thank you note for her new album, her new masterpiece, the triumph that is Sweetener? There hasn’t been an album full of straight bops since the A*Teens released The ABBA Generation in 1999. Why were they a thing and why did I love them so much? That doesn’t matter right now. Ariana’s new album is a MOOD and a JAM and a BOP and I live for it. Get it. Memorize it. Lip-sync it. Live it. And get it get it it hit hit flip it twist it and mix and mix it and kiss it and kiss it. (That’ll make sense once you listen, trust.)

Friday:

Why don’t you emulate me and Sophia Loren and take the occasional olive oil bath? It’s super simple and the results are inexplicably extraordinary. All I do is toss in a drizzle of oil while the bath is filling with hot water. Sophia uses three capfuls, my pour is probably the same. Soak in this. If you’re feeling extra decadent, toss in a few bags of black tea. Put on some music, drink some champagne, and soak some more. Stay in there for hours. The olive oil leaves the finest layer on your skin as you exit and you feel like a super soft aristocrat. Do this only once or twice a month, though, it does require a bit of cleanup; honestly, though, it’s so worth it.