Monday:

Why don’t you try a food you are absolutely sure you want to have absolutely nothing to do with? All my life I have been enraged at the idea of granola bars. I didn’t want to be involved in the consumption of some maple-soaked oat jerky. No thank you. Then a friend at work gave me one when I was starving, and my life is changed forever. I am not the same man I was before I ate that granola bar. I now have them in my bag at all times for urgent hunger pangs.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you take advice I’ve given you before and start tanning? Yes it will give you cancer and yes you might burn and blah blah blah you’re all going to die anyway. Now that the seasons are beginning to change, I can feel seasonal depression grabbing me. I started tanning again last week and the ten minutes I spent in the UV coffin were amazing. Doing it again tonight before class. Life changing honestly. Get burnt, readers!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you take even more of my old advice and get a robot mop? I’ve discussed it multiple times in the past, but every time that boxy little machine drives over my kitchen floors, I’m taken by a sense of divinity. That is truly the future right there, whizzing around my feet, shooting Fabuloso out left and right. I’m so fond of my robot mop. It’s reliable, and it’s always there for me when I make a mess or can’t even work up the effort to reach for a broom. Blessed.

Thursday:

Why don’t you join me on an idiotic weight loss journey? It’s all my fault, well I suppose for the most part it is, but I do give some blame to the steroids that have become a part of my life since becoming a cripple. But still, I didn’t help myself any by eating entire bags of kettle chips and blocks of chocolate and entire bottles of delicious red wine. In the past two years, I somehow managed to gain forty pounds, which has left me mortified. And so I’m counting calories again. It’s the only plan that ever works for me, and hopefully in like a half a year I’ll be fitting into my old shirts again. Good God.

Friday:

Why don’t you do an Autumn Cleaning instead of a Spring Cleaning? Just as much dust and crap accrues over the summer as it does over the winter. More here, I think, there’s constantly dust and debris all over the place from farmers harvesting in the fields surrounding me. Annoying. My little robot mop can’t do everything, so I’ve spent today leisurely tidying up, no deep cleaning, mind you, I’m not built for that kind of roughing it. It’s so nice when the house is clean…for a day.