Monday:

Why don’t you campaign to put an end to the idiocy of daylight saving time? I deeply loathe the shifting clocks, even if I feel slightly more refreshed today because it feels an hour later than my watch says. It’s starting to get dark when I leave work. What fresh hell is this? By the time I run any necessary errands and drive home, it’s pitch black outside. It’s like being in space. How am I supposed to go on a daily walk when it’s the middle of the night at six? Stupid. 

Tuesday:

Why don’t you be sure to register to vote for the next election? I know that we just went through all of this madness with the midterms, but 2020 is going to be here before we know it. We have to get rid of Donald Trump and all of his minions, and I know you’re reading this, Russia, so we have to stop that, too! I hope that you voted last week, and if you didn’t, I hope that you are haunted by a deep and unsettling guilt. When I didn’t participate in the 2008 primary for Hillary Clinton, I felt personally responsible. Silly, I know, but you need to vote. 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you run to ALDI after work and pick up their new advent calendars? I’m very hopeful that I’ll be able to find one today, but my hopes are full of weary fear. (UPDATE: I GOT NOTHING!) What if they’re out of their wine calendars and their cheese calendars and their chocolate calendars and life loses all meaning? (UPDATE: THEY WERE AND LIFE IS A POINTLESS GRIND!) I mean the elections last night weren’t all that thrilling for me. Yes, we took  the House but that Kim woman is still the governor of Iowa. Whatever. I’m still driving to Des Moines after work. I need groceries anyway. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Thursday:

Why don’t you make up a new superstition? This morning when I was getting ready for work, my belt snapped in half. This is surely because of use and not due to my rapidly expanding waistline. We’ll go with that anyway. For reasons that I think are easy to understand, this made me feel rather poorly, so I’ve decided that breaking a belt must become a foreshadowing of good luck. Always lie to yourself, reader. 

Friday:

Why don’t you decide to spend your evening doing absolutely nothing instead of the usual list of chores and obligations? I have had a fairly annoying week, so the last thing I wanted to do last night was mop floors and scrub dishes and fold laundry. Instead, I took a nap and watched an episode of a show I like. I had dinner with a friend. I had an extra glass of wine. I fell asleep on my couch in a robe, feeling decadent and unaccomplished. It was wonderful. Treat yourself.