Monday:

Why don’t you spend the entire week in bed under a heated blanked since the polar vortex is descending once again? The windchill is supposed to be a balmy negative thirty-seven degrees below freezing. I didn’t even know that was possible outside of Antarctica. I can’t believe that I have to suffer through this nonsense. Iowa is fine, but the weather here is out of control. In the summer it’s like one hundred degrees with one hundred percent humidity and mosquitos the size of small birds. In winter, it’s like being on Mars. It’s insane. So stay warm and don’t freeze to death. That would be like the worst way to go. 

Tuesday:

Why don’t you pick a new signature color and wear it exclusively? I love blacks, whites, greys, and tans, but this psychic once told me that I was wearing that color palette because I needed grounded. I think a lot about that. So I’ve been trying to wear some more colors. I look ridiculously great in yellow, and that might sound like a brag, but I’m just being real with you, dear reader. I get so many compliments in yellow. Change your look up. 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you create a custom keychain with images of the things you adore most so that you can see them everyday? When I was in Mexico City, I fell madly in love with the cats that lived in the courtyard of my building. I miss them endlessly, so I ordered a keychain that shows pictures of each of them. Now whenever I unlock my door or start my car I see Simba, Patron, Little Chiffon, Bitch Cat, and Slim every single day. It’s a blessing. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you start a dream journal? I’m sure I’ve mentioned this a few hundred times already, but I’ve still not listened to myself. I had the weirdest dream the other day, and normally I forget them, but this one is lingering for some reason. I finally bought a Parisian apartment and it was perfect. There were TWO secret rooms and it was on the beach and it was also in Mexico City, but that was still Paris in my dream. Made sense then. Somehow I managed to get locked out of the building but was finally reunited with my gorgeous Parisian apartment with moulding and views when my neighbors introduced themselves and invited me over for fondue. It was wild. They were Parisian restauranteurs that I follow on Instagram. I want to go back to there.  

Friday:

Why don’t you follow the advice I just gave you yesterday in case you have another absolutely wild dream? I did. Last night in my dream, which seemed to last for hours, I decided I would walk barefoot to Des Moines, which I managed to do quite quickly even thought it was thirty miles away. On the way back, I decided to gob lol, and I saw a friend of a friend who was acting strangely next to a shrub. I decided to stop and say hello (really to investigate like Jessica Fletcher) and he said that he had found a cat. I was thrilled, of course. Turns out it was a tiger cub and it was rambunctious. It mauled me with love, and I was so happy. Then I went to another friend’s mansion. I don’t know what it means, but I loved that tiger.