Diana Vreeland.jpg


Why don’t you add yet another language to your daily Duolingo lessons? I hope to all the gods that have ever existed that you’re on Duolingo all the time learning new languages. Every single day, I take quick lessons on German, Spanish, and Romanian. I’m itching to start another. I can’t decide what to pick, though, and that’s so stressful. Do I want to do develop better Italian for the next trip to Turin or do I want to start Japanese to impress the shopkeepers when I finally get to the cherry blossom festival in Kyoto? I don’t know. Let me know. If they had Arabic available, I would DIE, so thankfully they don’t. I am on a waiting list so that I’m notified the second it’s released. Study, dear reader!


Why don’t you start gathering material for some kind of autobiographical project? I’ve long mentioned that I intend to write my memoirs and entitle it, Wake Me When the Crocus Blooms. I still fully intend on that, but now I want to put together a standup show based on my life. When anything particularly absurd happens to me, I say, “This will be excellent for my Netflix original standup comedy special, A Tiny Sack of Human Teeth!” This title will actually make sense in context unlike so many standup comedy specials. That’s always perplexed me. Anyway, call me, Netflix. We have jokes on jokes on jokes at the ready. You would not believe the party I was disinvited from, the jokes write themselves. Truly. That story is wild.


Why don’t you use up almost everything in your cupboards, fridge, and pantry before stocking up on more and more groceries? I have been meaning to do this for years and years, but I’m finally getting around to it. I made the most amazing spaghetti yesterday with canned tomatoes that I turned into a decadent sauce (two cans tomato, half a stick of butter, an onion, salt, pepper, shake of sugar, juice of a lemon — simmer for 45 minutes and blend) with spicy chickpeas and it was BOMB. I felt hella thrifty. 


Why don’t you prepare for the glorious return of my bun? I always knew we’d be reunited, but I really didn’t expect it to be this soon. The other day, I was feeling moody and I said to myself, just go cut off all of your hair, dye what remains blonde, and start wearing clear acetate glasses. That’s one of the phases that I go through yearly. That and wanting to disappear to Romania to become a hay farmer. One of these days I’ll be the blondest hay farmer in all of Eastern Europe. Anyway, I looked intently at myself, became rather curious, and found a hair tie. The bun was small, but reader, it was good. Like so good. By the time Spring Break arrives, I believe I will be at peak bun. Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready. 


Why don’t you plan your outfits for the entire week on Sunday? I usually lay out what I’m going to wear the night before, but for whatever reason, I picked out all my shirts and shoes and whatnot. It was brilliant. I felt so efficient. I was saving so much time! And it is so nice to have everything ready, to look fine without thinking. I can not recommend this tip enough. Also, if you pick out five shirts in advance, you can just steam them all at the same time to be wrinkle free as you dash out the door because you’re chronically late and that’s just who you are.

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