Why don’t you install a smart servant in every single room of your home? I have a bunch of Amazon Echo Dots, and while I’m not absolutely thrilled with them or with the liklihood that they’re spying on my FASCINATING life, it’s absolutely worth it to have the government listening in. I have them in the main rooms of my house and then that fancy Echo Show (that I got for half price because of a minor scratch on the bottom!) and they’re all linked to each other. When I get home, I say, “Alexa, play some chill music everywhere.” Then she starts playing on all of my devices and they’re all synced and I feel like a futuristic robber baron and life has meaning. Go shopping. It’s so worth it.

Why don’t you learn how to make the perfect loaf of bread? Bread, since time immemorial, has been one of the essential elements of life. I love baking and I love making good, hearty bread. When The New York Times released their no-knead recipe years ago, I was inspired, and I made it many times. But it was never totally satisfying, so I’ve tweaked it a bit and now it always comes out just right. I mix five cups of all-purpose flour, one cup of wheat flour, half a teaspoon of active dry yeast, and a tablespoon (YES ALL THAT SALT) of flaky sea salt with three and a quarter cups warm water. Follow the rest of the instructions (easily found online) aside from the silly bit about a floured towel. No need. Just scrape the mass into a hot cast-iron dutch oven and you’re fine. It is divine. Get baking!

Why don’t you go out and splurge on something you absolutely do not need? I know that I’ve offered this advice multiple times in the past, but I hold firm with it. It’s important to treat yourself. I just ordered those new AirPods Pro, which I certainly don’t need, but Apple has a way of easily seducing me. I mean, for god’s sake, I don’t need sound cancelling headphones, I’m literally deaf in one ear…but still I clicked buy. And I’m going to go pick them up after work and I won’t lie to you, I’m so happy about it. [UPDATE: they are bomb. Get them. Hurry.]

Why don’t you find a way to partake in something you’ve always wanted to do, even if it requires you to look more than a little absurd? All of my life — well mainly on Halloween — I have lived in the country. Nobody goes trick-or-treating in the middle of the country, so I’ve never had the opportunity to hand out candy and delight over costumes. This has been a tremendous strain on my existence because Halloween is my favorite holiday of ALL TIME. SO, today, Halloween, I find myself student teaching and it dawned on me that students have to come through my door…so I’m having the students trick-or-treat to get in the room. I brought candy. We’re watching a history of Halloween documentary. I live for this day. Such fun.

Why don’t you explain to me the bizarre occurrence I witnessed yesterday? I was driving home for lunch and I always take the backroads because they curve a lot and I like to pretend I’m in Monaco during the Grand Prix (while observing the speed limit, of course) when I saw the oddest thing. On a bridge, there was a woman with jet black hair, wearing a lace dress, weeping, and running down the bridge. I first thought, for some reason, that she was taking a spooky, scary Halloween selfie, and  though I thought it was odd, I admired her dedication to my beloved holiday. Then at lunch, it dawned on me that she was probably going to jump in the water and commit suicide! This perturbed me, so I was ready to call the police if the car was still there when I drove back. The car was gone, but I was left wondering what the hell that was about. Enlighten me, please!

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