Monday:
Why don’t you find a cheap way to improve things that infuriate you? I am not a fan of my basement. Calling it a basement is honestly a stretch. It’s more of a cavern. Literally, it was dug by hand in the late 1800s. It’s hideous and more than a little horrifying and the door to the basement has a massive window that looks down into the hideous depths. I hate seeing it. So I found this window cling on Amazon that looks like an old-fashioned leaded window with panels and I applied it…and it has absolutely transformed the door. I’m obsessed. There are ways to make everything better!

Tuesday:
Why don’t you refer me to a good LASIK surgeon? I’m tired of smudged glasses and scratched lenses. For some reason, my cat took my favorite pair off my night-side table and decided to bite the lenses. He’s never done that before, so I don’t know what he’s up to. I don’t trust it. I’d like to just wake up and not flop my hand around, looking desperately for my glasses. I’d like to happily go out into the desert and not worry about being abducted by raiders and then being helpless if my glasses were lost or shattered in the struggle. I think about that a lot. I’m ready for lasers.

Wednesday:
Why don’t you go through your closet and weep as you look at all the clothes that used to fit you before deciding…again…that it’s time to go on a diet? I’ve gotten out of control and I have no willpower. I’m hoping to arrest my rapid ascent to morbid obesity before it’s too late. 23&Me claims that I have a slightly elevated risk of developing Type 2 Diabetes, and I really don’t want to have yet another disease, so I’m going to start counting calories again…I guess. Ugh, I’d honestly rather do anything else. Dieting is no fun until you’re shockingly thin…and that’s going to take awhile.

Thursday:
Why don’t you bite the bullet and treat yourself to a luxury that you deserve and don’t necessarily need. I’d like to announce to you that I’ve finally purchased a Roomba. Now that I have robot lights and a robot ice maker and robot servants in the main rooms and a robot mop and a robot dishwasher, I’m ready to complete my journey to full automation. I want to have household staff, but I also want complete privacy, so I’m thrilled for my Roomba to arrive. I was finally convinced to get the credit card out when new models were released that emptied themselves into the bin. I can ignore vacuuming, allegedly, for a month. What a blessing. What a wonderful world. No more cat litter in my socks!

Friday:
Why don’t you plan an entire week where you do nothing aside going from work? Or take it off if you’re able. It seems that I’ve been busy ever since my father passed away. There have been meetings and arrangements and necessary shopping. There have been many necessary gatherings with friends and family. I’ve had a lot to do for the university on top of this all and I just want to hibernate for a week. I want to get up and take care of myself and my home and not go anywhere or be seen or have anything to do. Self care is immensely important and we all need to take care of ourselves better. As RuPaul always says, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?