Monday:

Why don’t you do the humane thing and find a way to pull the plug on Ancient Aliens? It’s so dumb now. Once upon a time I had fun yelling with delighted rage at their pseudo scientists, but way too many seasons later, they are hysterically out of material. This entire episode I’m watching right now is just about keyhole shapes. But not really. It’s not really about anything. They talk dramatically about how an Egyptian necklace is a keyhole shape and how in one picture it’s more ornate so obviously this must be some kind of misunderstood alien technology that the ancient Egyptians were too stupid to render in their art. But it was just a Hathor-headed necklace. It is not unusual. But they made it a thing and never bothered mentioning why it was allegedly a thing. There was no point at all. Nothing connects and everybody looks deranged. Sad. The show was such fun when it started. It’s drivel now. Maddening really. Let it go.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you buy an unstuffed ottoman from Marrakesh and fill it with old clothes you feel guilty about being too fat to wear? I ordered this gorgeous handmade ottoman in black leather to match my library on Cyber Monday and it’s perfect. To my surprise, though, it was just a lump of fabric when it arrived. I had to fill it up myself, which was fine, but I didn’t have any fiber or foam. Who keeps that in their closet besides crafty gurus and drag queens? Instead, I thought about all the clothes that I can’t let go of because I love them like my children and I pretend that someday I’ll be thin enough again to wear them. Still, I have to admit the chances of me fitting back into an extra small Amy Winehouse t-shirt from Hot Topic is unlikely at this stage even with surgery. Now, a remarkable number of jeans and sweaters and even a couple coats are supporting my feet and not wasting emotional and physical space. Very glad it didn’t come stuffed after all. 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you get a plasma lighter? This isn’t the most convenient device in the world but it makes you feel like you live in the future. I found a cheap candle lighter on Amazon and I’m kind of obsessed with it. You push a button and these barbs emerge that shoot a ton of electricity betwixt them. It’s rather menacing. You use this arc of plasma to light your wicks and whatnot. It’s not foolproof, but it is so much fun! There are much better ones than the one I picked out, you can even get inserts for Zippo lighters. I’m thinking of getting one for a laugh. It’s so wild and unexpected to hit the button and hear that crack of electricity. Won’t burn you, either, but it WILL shock you! I had an absolute RUSH of adrenaline when I accidentally touched it. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you make yourself a martini table out of scraps you have laying around the house? (This is a side table with enough space to hold a glass of wine or a cocktail. They’re ridiculous and overpriced but I needed one.) I just cobbled my own together out of a broken Ethan Allen lamp base my late father kept as contraband in the 90s, a perfect little square of marble from France that came out of the trash and should be cursed but apparently isn’t, and the whole unexpected thing is held together triumphantly with Alien Tape. [I know I just recommended it last week but have you bought Alien Tape yet? Have you tried it yet? I’m decorating my library and using it almost exclusively snd I feel LIBERATED from the tyranny of nails. Such bliss.] But anyway, this craft took literally three minutes, cost almost nothing, and West Elm wouldn’t let it go on sale for less than $125. Get crafty, bitches. 

Friday:

Why don’t you look into LastBottle.com? I bought three absurdly expensive bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon because they were a third of the retail price. So I got three very good bottles for the price of one. I feel so fancy. I opened one but the others will stay on the bar cart until I decide to be silly and drink a bottle in the tub or want to impress vaccinated friends or until I move them to my wine cave. It’s coming, y’all. I have the space. Just have to make it not horrible and full of cobwebs and twenty year old jars of peperoncino peppers. Anyway, they buy marvelous discounted wines from Napa and then sell them through an app. It’s lovely not having to make a commitment to a wine club or whatever. The FedEx guy just shoes up and there’s wine in a box. Fabulous. I feel like I’m in Absolutely Fabulous in that gorgeous scene that inspired me where bottles of Veuve Clicquot refill themselves in a champagne fridge.