Why don’t you joyously SCREAM with me about the discovery of an 18th Dynasty village being excavated within walking distance from my friend’s house in Luxor, Egypt? I’m so excited. Hassan is right there, just wild! It’s almost impossibly stereotypical to be an Egyptophile with a passion for the 18th Dynasty. But my devotion has NEVER faltered, like my queen Aretha once sang to George Michael. Music break!

You can’t know how thrilled I am to live in a world where this exists!

Anyway, back in Egypt, I was repeatedly roasted by Abdul, a trained Egyptologist I hired for private scholarly tours, because I refused to be hooked by his lures into his beloved Ptolemaic Egypt. He finally opened my mind at the divine Temple of Khnum at Esna. That place is truly seared into my brain in the most remarkable way. When I close my eyes, whenever that might be, I’m always back in that temple. It’s one of my favorite places on the planet. But anyway, my Egyptological passion is the 18th Dynasty for more reasons than I possibly have reasonable space to discuss. Here’s the lowdown, during this period there was a cultural revolution I’m fascinated by, but this blip in Egyptian history was intentionally forgotten and vilified. It didn’t seem likely that anything significant or unknown would ever appear. BUT Y’ALL! NOW THERE IS AN ENTIRE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN CITY BEING EXCAVATED FROM THE SPECIFIC MOMENT OF THE 18th DYNASTY I LOVE THE MOST. It’s almost too much for me. I’ll be back in Egypt as soon as I can manage it. The only problem is that the head archeologist is one of my few imaginary Egyptological nemesis…we’ll have to come to an understanding someday. That country will always hold me spellbound. I’d have it no other way.  


Why don’t you always give the universe a chance to provide? I was stunned and somewhat humiliated today in a village that’s so small it can barely be considered a town. My grandma introduced me to a neighbor of hers, literally just a few miles from my house in the middle of nowhere, growing papyrus plants from seed and selling them from a greenhouse in her backyard. This astonishing discovery comes after I spent a truly sensational amount of money to ship myself a mature papyrus plant from Africa. But why should I have ever expected to find this water plant that’s native to the Nile River in WALKING distance of my home in IOWA? I’m gobsmacked, astonished, delighted, and once again driven mad by circumstances that seem unlikely. Reader, what follows will only make sense to a few, but I know Ryan Murphy will understand perfectly. His next big project is about Halston. HALSTON! Of all the stories in the world, he just has to pick one born in my part of the world, nearly in my own backyard? What is this elaborate dance? Just email me, Ryan.


Why don’t you dedicate yourself to the eradication of a specific weed? I loathe stinging nettles for obvious reasons. When the weather warms up, the horrid things take control the less frequented areas of my yard with frightening speed. But the horror they used to bring me is gone; I’ve changed my mindset. Now I’m thrilled to find a little nettle because I get to DESTROY IT. I get to purge it from history. I get to wreck its whole life. I’m filled by indescribable ecstasy when pulling out a really elaborate root system. One was seven feet long and it went on much further. I was in bliss. They’re disgusting plants. But I’ll win. I always win. You can literally do anything you put your mind to if you stay within the realm of the possible. You can sing and dance and write and garden and lead and create…it just takes delusional self-confidence and patience. 


Why don’t you get a tire pump that does all the work for you? I’m not a car person. I don’t care about them. I just want it to work, be clean, and be somewhat friendly to the environment. Oh a backup cam is mandatory, I’m not a caveman. I’m simple and easy to please lol. Anyway, to the story…my car was cheap! I’m into it because it’s reasonably sustainable for a gasoline powered car. I’m obviously going to replace it with an electric model as soon as feasible. It’s absurd that we pollute when the sun gives endless free energy. So dumb! Like befuddlingly stupid. The car is fine, the only persistent issue I’ve had is the tire pressure going low more often than it should. It’s super annoying to have the little alarm ding every time I turn the machine on. I’m not incapable, but vehicular maintenance is not something I want to be familiar with. So I don’t bother with it. But it turns out years ago on a shopping spree I bought this little tire pump in the case of emergencies. I had a low tire the other day and I suddenly remembered I owned it. Still in the box. You just plug it in to the car, set it to the pressure you want, and push a button. The little robot fills the tire up and shuts down when it’s ready. I screamed. It was magical. I didn’t really have to do anything  and now that annoying light in the dash is gone! 


Why don’t you buy air purifiers for every room ASAP? Here’s a segue you can’t possibly have expected: I personally hold the entire British Monarchy singularly responsible for my allergies. I have a good reason, too; I’m not only a lunatic, there’s much more to my claim. All right, picture it: the setting, 2010, London, a gorgeous afternoon in the perfectly manicured gardens of Kensington Palace. The backstory: the Royal nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton had sent me to England to absorb history in the making. The star: not the happy couple, oh no, it’s moi, astonishingly angular, oblivious to the charms of my youthful beauty. The enemy: a flowering tree in the palace gardens. I’ve never identified the species, but whatever that stupid tree was WRECKED MY WHOLE ADULT LIFE. It flipped some switch and now pollen makes my face LEAK. I’m sick of it! I pop pills but they don’t always help. I bought ionizing air purifiers at the Fair, but honestly I think they’re a toy. IKEA released a decent air purifier, so I have two beside me…overkill but I’m curious…and it is finally helping. I don’t go through half a box of tissues every morning and that’s honestly been life changing. It was getting becoming super annoying. Scrub your air!

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