An ANTM Reject Reacts: Cycle 20 – Episode 5

Well, here we are again, ready to embark on another exhausting journey through forty minutes of inane, insane, and still somehow captivating reality television. I’ll never stop watching this show, even if I loathe myself for it. In the back of my mind, I’m constantly wondering what stupid shit they’re all going to get up to next. I’m also curious about when Tyra will start putting on those catsuits again. I kind of miss them. (I KNOW!)

This week’s narration brought to you by KAREN WALKER!

“I’m the kind of person that wants to do well in anything I do.” — Mike. Wow, that’s inspiring and so very different from everybody else on the face of the planet.
“This competition means a lot to me. I don’t have a Plan B.” Are you freaking serious? You apply for a job. You get a job at In & Out. You save money. You go to community college. You make it work, bitch!
Mike and Chris are fighting about something. I don’t follow. I was paying more attention to my Cheerios. Now Chris is saying that Mike is treating him like his abusive mother. SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST.
Even after the commercial break, Chris is still flipping shit. Now he’s talking about his abusive mother again. HIS MOTHER THREW HER PHONE AT HIM. Is he the son of Naomi Campbell? He should be a better model, then.
Cory is serving Oprah realness. WE WOULD BE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS.
Now Chris is hosting a press conference for the cast mates in the lounge and tries to explain his nonsense ways. I’d be all, “Im’ma be right back, hon…*sneaks away*”
“Just because you don’t have proper coping mechanisms doesn’t make me feel bad for you.” HIGH-FIVE MIKE!
There’s some woman pretending to DJ. Johnny introduces their next show. The contestants: “OH MY GOD! THERE ARE FASHION SHOWS? WE HAVE TO WALK ON THEM? HUH? WHAT? NOOOOOOO!”
The runway spins. They’ve lost their shit. How difficult can that be? I mean that seriously, not being cocky. You just pay attention to what you’re doing and get moving.
Nina is already crying. The show hasn’t started.
Chris is treating Nina like a creepy stalker boyfriend. I worry about this.
Some contestant named Alexandra just came on screen. Has she been on the show before?
Being away from home for a week to be a contestant has made Jeremy a man. He’s a man, guys. Guys, he’s a man. I’m not sure if you heard. He will probably remind you.
Never mind, I realize now why they installed a circular runway. It’s to watch as the contestants fall and giggle!
These clothes are awful. (If you’re reading this, Guess, YOUR CLOTHES ARE GORGEOUS. I CAN’T WAIT TO WALK FOR YOU.)
Jeremy was stripping. #awk
“Just because you’re a pretty face doesn’t mean you’re a model.” #PREACH
Why does Chris have a septum ring?
Now there’s some contestant named Jiana talking. Who? How did I miss these peasants?
Chris and Nina won’t stop hugging. Literally, they will not stop. It’s weird.
Guys, the theme is “trailer park chic.” I wonder if I would have walked out? I wouldn’t. I would rock it. It’s so ridiculous that I couldn’t help it. Redneck culture plus pageant realness. Yes.
Jeremy, Don, and Kanani are left, so they’re paired up as a threesome. “THREESOME! THREESOME! OOOOOHHHH!” the other contestants squeal as I shake my head in disgust.
There’s a guy that calls himself “The Cobra Snake.” Like, that’s the actual name he goes by.
They’ve brought in a girl which is named Sugar Pop Pop, a parody of Honey Boo Boo. I am not amused by this. NOBODY DISRESPECTS MY HONEY BOO BOO.
“I have small squinty eyes.” –Jeremy
Johnny on Jeremy, “He turns his body one way and he looks hideous.”
Alexandra is saying that Mike has no reason to be on the show. TRUTH. Tyra just picked him up and stuck him on the show instead of another contestant who actually applied and worked hard to make it. I’m not bitter.
Jourdan and Chris are commiserating in their misery. “I never finished a grade level without moving.” “I moved 38 times.” I don’t know why these people focus on being so negative. Cool your tits and have some fun.
Marvin is basically molesting his film partner. He’s just so awful!
“You look like a man,” Don tells Cory. RUDE. Kanani shuts it down. “HE IS A MAN!”
“I’m not in Milan. I’m not bringing runway. I’m bringing trailer park.” Phil declares.
Nina and Chris are hugging some more.
This week’s GIF…er, flixel, is Tyra with a billowing flag behind her.
I had forgotten that they’re still doing that silly thing where you don’t really go home. You just take the photos behind the scenes and then potentially come back. Nonsense!
I quote a comment that I read online which perfectly sums up this week’s pictures: “Flixel looks cheap. Damn i really don’t want to come off as rude because I’ve been watching this show for a while but this is not Hogwarts.. We don’t need moving pictures. A picture is suppose to capture a moment itself why do we need to ornate that moment with movement and cheap movement at that! NO sir save it for instagram and social media apps but not for fashion.”
“I want you to push that body. Give me more trash with it.”
I CAN’T DEAL WITH THESE SCORES. Tyra goes on and on about how she wished Phil would do something different with his body and then proceeds to give him an eight. Eight is almost perfect, Miss Tyra.
I’m just so creeped out by Marvin. He’s far too sexual for his own good.
“I would’a given you a ten girl, but you ain’t got no neck, so I’m’a gon’ give you an eight.” When did this become English?
“NO! HE IS A MAN!” Tyra shouts at her “not boyfriend” Rob, when he tells Cory he finally looks like a man. I’m glad that people are saying this. It’s ridiculous what some of the contestants are saying. Who you are does not for one moment hinder your ability to create a character.
“Bitch you are not about to out-light me!” –Tyra Banks.
Jeremy looks really confused by all the direction the judges give him. Turn left! Hunch over! Look present!
Tyra needs to remind these “models” that the eyes to heaven look is no good.
GUYS, IF YOU DON’T GET A PICTURE AT PANEL, YOU HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY RETURN TO THE TOP MODEL HOUSE, PACK YOUR BAGS, AND LEAVE!
Ice Cream Mike, who didn’t deserve to be there anyway, was sent home.
- That’s not to say that I wouldn’t gladly agree to join the show if Tyra invited me, of course.
NEXT WEEK IT’S A DRAG SHOOT! GUYS, you know what would have happened. TYRA WOULD HAVE SENT EVERYBODY HOME AND JUST ANNOUNCED ME THE WINNER.