I knew that we would be off to a late start this morning, especially after going to bed at two o’clock in the morning. I was exhausted last night, but I couldn’t get to sleep. I spent about an hour reading Gone With the Wind — imagining myself being swept away to a luxurious plantation porch, sipping a mint julep, smoking a fine Cuban cigar and chatting about the decadence of life with my neighbors. Great book.

Ma wanted to depart by noon, but for various reasons, we didn’t get out of the room until one.  I was up at ten and decided to go swimming. Since everybody was just sitting around, I thought that maybe one member of my beloved family would want to get off their asses and go down with me. They stayed in the room and made me go all alone. There is no stupider feeling than swimming in a public pool alone, especially when the pool is filled with young children and an army of lifeguards. I slowly floated from one end to the other before getting out. Not only was I bored and alone, but my swimming trunks kept threatening to fall off, which probably wouldn’t have been the best thing to happen.

As I was getting out of the pool, Pa finally showed up to come and see me. Too late, now. So, he went to the gift shop, I dried off, went back to the room, and made myself a lovely breakfast of cottage cheese, rice chips, Cheerios, peanuts, chocolate disks, and peach-orange-mango juice. I love that blend, you should all really try it. It just might change your life.

So after finishing my breakfast, singing Bette Davis songs with Pa and Jessica (which, I will have you know, were gorgeous! I don’t know why my family isn’t like the Von Trapps or the Osmonds, we can hold a tune.), and loading the dishwasher, we were finally all ready to go to the Hollywood Studios.

For some reason, the bus would just not come. There were at least two buses for every other park, but none for the Hollywood Studios. This was immensely frustrating, so I wandered about the gift shop for awhile and found the perfect gift for Alison’s birthday. I can’t wait to give it to her! I love giving gifts, honestly, as much as I love getting them. It is a delight to me to find just the right thing for a person and wrap it up as elegantly as possible.

Then, Jessica took random pictures of us all as we sat around waiting for the bus. There are many unflattering photos of each of us stored on her computer. When the bus for Downtown Disney came around the corner, we all said “screw it,” and hopped on. We had sat around waiting forever and had worked up an appetite from this, so we thought we would have lunch there.

We have always loved eating at the Wolfgang Puck Express. It is casual chic and always good. All of the portions were way too big, none of us could possibly finish. I take that back, Pa finished his, and a few others. Ma had a big ass plate of spaghetti and meatballs, Jess had some decent macaroni and cheese, Pa had a barbecue chicken pizza, and I had a roasted vegetable pizza. This was easily one of the best pizzas I have ever eaten — wonderful cracker-thin crust and the perfect ratio of cheese to vegetable. I even liked the broccoli on top and that never happens! I wasn’t crazy for the zucchini, but it wasn’t terrible.

Then, fully stuffed, we went of to the Ghirardelli chocolate shop and had a sample of peppermint bark, which was really good. Here, I spotted a family that I had seen in Wolfgang Puck — I always love seeing people again and wondering if they noticed me, too.

Pa thought we should go take pictures by the Pirates of the Caribbean statue outside of the toy store, so, we did that. Ma thought she found a shortcut back to the buses, but we ended up walking at least twice as far as we needed too. At the buses, I saw that same family again. They were popping up everywhere.

We caught the bus to the Grand Floridian resort because I wanted to see the giant gingerbread house I had read about. While on the bus we all argued about Pa’s insistent belief that frozen feces used to fall from airplanes and kill people. I have never found one report of this, maybe I’m not looking in the right places, but I have my doubts that such a thing ever happened. We made fun of the handicapped bitches for a time and then we were at the resort.

The gingerbread house was impressive, but nothing like what we thought it was going to be. We had been told that you could actually go inside this giant cookie structure, but that was a scandalous lie, all we could do was walk around it.

Jessica was immediately bored and made no issue voicing the matter, so she went off with Pa to buy some candy. Ma and I went a few flights up to look down on the gorgeous lobby. The architecture is beautiful and the ceiling is splendid. I could see myself staying there for a time. We walked elegantly down the grand staircase and looked at a squirrel cage. It was adorable! I have always wanted a squirrel as a pet.

We all went outside to walk along the beach, which was lovely. The sand was soft, warm, and pure white. I wanted to scoop it all up and take it with me. I wonder if you can have sand imported or smuggled or where you could get it from? When I redo my yard, I’d love to have a little beach! Jess and I played with the fearless ducks for awhile, lamenting the loss of our duck, Donald, who disappeared — leaving nothing but his bill and bloody tongue.

We finally found a bus to take us to the Hollywood Studios and we hopped on the very crowded bus full of pissed off people. I have seriously never seen such unpleasant folks in all my life. Nobody spoke, or laughed, or smiled, instead they glared out the windows or at each other looking like we were all on our way to a modern concentration camp.

The bus ride didn’t take long, and before I knew it we were hurrying through the line at the Tower of Terror. I love the design of the gardens here and they have really inspired me to try a few new things in my yard when the weather warms up again.

It was a lot of fun and Jessica was terrified. I am incredibly disappointed by the gift shop, though. In Paris, they have a line of beautiful dishes in their Tower of Terror. I was hoping that there might be something like this here, but there was nothing of the sort. All melamine and chunky porcelain.

Once we were out of the shop we all had a snack, I chose an espresso, as I felt a caffeine headache coming on. It was really good. Everybody else had something from the ice cream stand.

Next we went on the Great Movie Ride. Jessica acted like a blithering idiot here, screaming “MARY POPPINS!” so loudly that it echoed for several minutes after the rather lame host asked us what set we were in. Nobody was bothered when he was kidnapped by the gangster — he was more fun anyway. (As a side note, they need to update their animatronic people! Jodie Foster is looking rough!) There was not one glimpse of Joan Crawford in the final film compilation, which offended me awfully. She’s a freaking Hollywood icon. Father left with a flourish, which garnered him several compliments from the workers.

We toured the Osborne Dancing Light show, which was lovely, but far too packed to enjoy thoroughly. I sang Feliz Navidad loudly and Jessica pole danced. I’m pretty sure we offended a good many people that night. Then we started trying to pop the “snow,” which was tiny bubbles, like the retarded sister from the Lawrence Welk sketch on Saturday Night Live.

After this, we headed for EPCOT for dinner. We were going to go to the Rose and Crown pub for sure. There was an hour long wait, so we wandered about. I walked in the boxwood maze, thinking about boxwood plants and quaint little villages and the joy a warm breeze brings. To me, at least. I think I will have to plant some boxwoods next year, they are absolutely lovely.

Ma and I ran to the French bakery to pick up a few things to try. I had a chocolate croissant that was pretty good, it needed about twice the amount of chocolate, though. Pa had a lemon meringue tart, which I wasn’t crazy about, and Ma had an apple turnover, which I didn’t try. Apples aren’t my favorite.

Our buzzer went off and we were swept into the pub. I loved the wallpaper, covered as it was with crowns. The decor did look a bit dated, but it was charming in a way. The uniforms the men have to wear made me laugh, with their silly newspaper boy caps.

I had the Vegetarian Shepard’s Pie, which was pretty good. It wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever had, though. Pa had bangers and mash with a side of bubble and squeak, which he and Ma both proclaimed excellent. Ma and Jess both had fish and chips, which they thought were inferior to the ones outside on the street. Jessica also had a bowl of potato leek soup, which was really good. When I looked up the recipe, there were four quarts of cream in it — no wonder it was so tasty!

The portions were once again huge, and I had trouble finishing it all. Pa finished off my portobello mushroom salad which I wasn’t crazy about. Cold mushrooms creep me out.

After licking every molecule of the soup in her bowl, Jessica’s hyper mood crashed and she kept saying how sick she felt and how unhappy she was. I leaned back in my chair waiting for all Hell to break loose, but Ma wisely and forcibly suggested she head back to the resort with Pa, so, off they went.

On the way to the restroom, I eavesdropped on a group of guys a little older than me who only talked about business and sales prospectives, and a whole bunch of nonsense that sounded deathly dull to me. I couldn’t imagine a life full of business figures like that. I mean, honestly, I could see it if it were my own company, but working for somebody else is just not my kind of thing. I have too many ideas for my own good.

We watched a bit of the fireworks and then headed back to the resort and to bed.