I was woken up late today — I don’t set alarms, it is far too common. I was in a funny mood when I woke up, which didn’t get any better when my family started to critique what I was wearing for the day. They are not fashionistas like me, so this was borderline ridiculous. There are few things chicer than a simple white t-shirt and ruffled hair, especially with my glasses. I guess they are reading another issue of L’Uomo Vogue than me.

So, I poured out my Cheerios, made quick work of them and stood around waiting to go. I stood and I stood wondering why nobody was moving, Ma was sitting on the couch typing away at her computer, Jess and Pa were messing around in another room. I thought they were all ready and waiting for me, but they seemed insistent on not moving.

When I finally voiced wonder as to why we were not budging, Ma looks up from her laptop and cried, “We are waiting for you!”

“What?” I exclaimed, “I’ve been standing here.”

“You’re going like that?”

With a sigh, we left for the Magic Kingdom, which I was honestly not enthused about, it is by far my least favorite park, what with all the babies still dripping with placenta and oldies that should have long since been in the grave, the poor quality food choices, and the lame rides. I could skip it and never shed a tear, but, since my father has the same mentality he had in the 70s, we had to go.

On the bus, Ma read my blog, which the family behind us seemed to enjoy even though there were many points which were rather rude. Finally, we bumped to a stop outside the gates and disembarked.

We went to the bakery first thing, since the Magic Kingdom bakery used to be our favorite place to get a sweet treat, but they have gone drastically downhill. The chocolate-chip cookies are lacking in chocolate-chips, they no longer serve cherry turnovers or cheesecake, and the general ambiance is not the same. I wasn’t impressed.

Next we went on the Haunted Mansion, which is the single ride I approve of in the entire park. This is always nice and campy creepy. Jessica and I kept screaming, at an appropriate volume, “PUSH AND SHOVE! PUSH AND SHOVE!” And, we were in the windowless, doorless room before anybody, then in the doom buggy before the others knew what was happening.

After this we had to ride on Splash Mountain, because Jessica wants to. If she doesn’t get to, she quickly turns into her bitchy four-year-old self that is always lurking, trying to escape. If you look at her eyes long enough, you can see it back there, just below the surface, waiting for its chance to flee back into the world bringing chaos and destruction.

I like this ride, but I don’t like being wet, so Ma bought a raincoat to wear on. She refused to ride and made it quite evident to us all that she didn’t want to open her bag to get out the raincoat for some reason. So, to appease her and not piss her off so early in the day, Pa and I followed Jessica and looked on in horror as soaking wet people exited the boats.

I stood up a little, breaking all rules as we went down the slopes, praying that the water wouldn’t soak my bottom. I didn’t get that wet, my shirt was well saturated, but that wasn’t all bad. My photo from the ride was excellent–I was vogueing.

To dry off, we went onto Big Thunder Mountain, which was more fun that I remember it being. Jessica and I spent the entire ride screaming, “Ysma, Ysma! Put your hands in the air!” and “Oooooh myyyyyy GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!” And, “YEEEEEES!!!!!”

Now it was time for lunch again. It seems that all we do is think about food or eat food or wonder about what we will eat next. This is more Jessica than anybody else. She is determined to plan out the next year of meals for us.

I had a veggie burger, which was weird, but good. It was full of rice and peppers, chunks of potatoes and carrots. It didn’t taste like anything I was familiar with, and it was alright. Nothing special, though.

Now it was time for Pirates of the Caribbean. This ride bores me to death — I have never been enthused by it, don’t even really like the movies. The first one is the only that I enjoyed, the rest are just too convoluted for me. I don’t like movies that stretch on and on for eternity, I want to get the plot resolved within two hours, preferably less. I don’t even like going to see movies, I feel like I’m wasting time sitting there. I could be walking on a treadmill, crocheting, or doing something productive while I’m watching, but all I can manage is to sit there eating chemical-laden popcorn. It’s even worse going to the movie in the daytime, now you’re wasting daylight, too. Not my idea of a fun time.

Next up was the Jungle Cruise, which is always stupidly amusing. Lame jokes are bad individually, but when you are beaten with them, they start to become pretty funny. For instance, “Did you know I got fired from an orange juice factory? Yeah, I couldn’t concentrate.” HA!

I insisted on having ice cream now, and got it because as Jessica claims, “He always gets his way.”

The Hall of Presidents was open this time and we decided to go and see it again, as I cannot remember the last time I had. There was a creepy guy there, who I almost feel was a robot, he spoke in a monotone and spewed off random facts. He asked how many presidents had been members of the armed forces. Jessica mumbled “Twenty-nine, twenty-nine, twenty-nine.” When he said, “Twenty-nine,” she exploded. It was embarrassing.

Is there anything that Morgan Freeman doesn’t narrate? I swear, you can’t walk down the street without having him commentate on it. This was a creepy show — Millard Fillmore looks far too real. I daydreamed about my eventual animatronic robot in the Hall. I want to be in a grey suit by Armani with a pink tie. I think campaigning will be more amusing than actually being President, if I have learned anything from observing past administrations. I will have to outline my plan for the presidency in another blog post — I have some fantastic ideas.

Now we were forced to go onto It’s A Small World. There is no worse punishment in the world than this. Who wants to sit around on a slow-moving boat listening to creepy wooden dolls sing a song like Alvin & the Chipmunks? I had to fight to retain consciousness. It was awful, too much for Jessica in fact — after we finally disembarked she had to leave and go back to the resort.

With Jessica gone, we went to Future World and went on the People Mover, which is lame, but always fun. It seemed to be moving along at a rapid pace today. I enjoyed it, even though I fail to understand its purpose.

After that we went on the Carousel of Progress, which has always intrigued me, but I never go on it, not knowing what it is. Today we just went on and were delighted by the ancient animatronic dog and the different ovens of the past. I still get a laugh at what they thought the eighties were going to look like. They were close, but most of the technology is still pretty elite, even in the 21st Century.

We grabbed some snacks and fed the baby ducks, they were precious and adorable. I wanted to put those clever little birds in my pocket and take them home with me. I love animals. They would dart across the pond at a thousand miles an literally.

Ma and I decided to go and visit the Port Orleans-Riverside resort, as I wanted to see some of them that I never had. This confused Pa to no end. He didn’t know what he was doing or where he was going or who he was. He didn’t seem to remember that he was going back to Old Key West. When he finally grasped that, we left for the resort.

It was a long ride there, but it was worth it because this is such a lovely place — on the outside, at least. The rooms don’t look so great, from what I’ve seen of them online. We took a boat from Riverside to the French Quarter to get a batch of beignets at the food court. They were different from what I remember them being like at Café du Monde, but then again, I was ugly back then and have wiped away most of the memories of my childhood, so who knows? I had an espresso, too, which was okay.

There were horse-drawn carriages that trotted enchantingly through the narrow roads. It was lovely. We decided to take the boat from here to Downtown Disney, and then from Downtown Disney to the resort. This took a long time and there were a lot of rude bitches on the boat Downtown.

We eventually made our way back to the room and I pissed everybody off by asking why they were coming along to EPCOT. I had assumed that Ma and I were just going ourselves to shop and maybe get a quiche or something light like that at the Boulangerie. But, they were going, and we were all going to the pub again. This immediately bothered me, I hate it when my family finds a place that they like because they only will go to that place again and again and again and again. It is incredibly annoying as there are so many other places to try, but Jessica would rather gorge herself on the same dish every day for a week until she finally vomits it so violently that the thought of it will make her physically ill and then everybody is forbidden from going to that place ever again, than try something new.

I had a bowl of soup for dinner, as there wasn’t anything else on the menu that I could have eaten, and it was good, even though it was pure cream with barely a hint of potatoes. I could have done with a bit more texture, but, it was alright. As we were eating, and waiting for the fireworks to start, I was fascinated by the two tables below. They were drunk, loud, and sexually harassing poor Rich, their waiter, who looked uncomfortable.

The fireworks began with what sounded like a gunshot, then like a bombing. I could imagine this is what the blitz would have sounded like in England. Of course, it would have been scarier if Nazis were pouring down bombs like rain, this was just loud.

Jessica and I ran to the bus for fun. Well, it was more fun for me, Jessica screamed about shin splints, which she suddenly claims she has. As we waited for the bus, we were next to a very irritating, common, poor family who obviously were on a vacation funded by the Make A Wish Foundation. They were vile and so was their baby, who retched all over the cement. Those nasty hillbillies wouldn’t even find a janitor. I was repulsed.

It was rainy when we got off of the bus, and Ma and I went to the gift shop to buy some laundry detergent. Then, I went to bed.