Disney World – Part 1 | Benjamin Phillips

I know you’re all pissed at me because I’ve kept you waiting for months and months to hear about my trip to Disney World. I posted a summary of my expedition on the Wild Africa Trek (one of the greatest things I’ve written, in my opinion, I was greatly influenced by Diana Vreeland’s writing style), but I’ve left out all the other details. Tragically, most of them are gone from my mind, so I’m going to comment on pictures from the trip. There are a lot of me. You’re welcome.

I had gin and tonic on the plane while I watched the new episodes ofAbsolutely Fabulous over again and pretended that I was Patsy. I do this more often then I’ll admit. Cheers, sweetie.

The very first thing we did when we landed in Orlando was head to the Waffle House–mainly because if we didn’t Jessica would throw a shitstorm unlike any seen in modern memory. She really isn’t aware of how crazy she can be. Waffle House was good, always is, I had a chocolate chip waffle, because I’m health conscious. HA!

We had to look our best for the safari. Ok, let’s get it over with–the mustache. It looked much better in person! Honestly, it did. At least to me. In pictures, I’ll admit it’s bad and very 70s porn star. Not the worst thing to be, but not for me.

We stayed at Port Orleans for a night. The rooms were kind of crappy, but the grounds were beautiful. Here I am pretending I’m Scarlett O’Hara transported into The Sound of Music in some odd kind of mashup. Jessica’s there, too. Good thing we didn’t fall it. We were worried for her, especially.

Midget was there, too. Don’t be fooled, she’s actually a 40-year-old man.

MySpace style group shot on the bus to Magic Kingdom. I was serving lumberjack realness that day.

Just sitting around, always posing. This is right before Jessica tried to kill me by pushing me off the fence and denting my camera. Bitch.

I don’t look a bit like him. I still hold firmly that my real father is in the Monacan Royal Family. I look more like a Grimaldi. I act like them, too. Ex: “In 2001, Stéphanie [Grimaldi] began a relationship with married elephant trainer Franco Knie and moved, along with her three children, into Knie’s circus caravan. However, that relationship came to an end in 2002, and Stéphanie and her family returned to Monaco. On 10 September 2003, Stéphanie married Portuguese acrobat, Adans Lopez Perez,a member of Knie’s circus ensemble.” I’d do that. I’d also look very regal.

Lovely day.

Let’s all take a moment to admire my bizarrely rapidly developing chest hair. I used to have seven. I’d counted them a number of times. Is this something to do with my vegetarian diet or the copious amounts of self tanner I use? Either way, I’m amused. I have even more now.

There was a parade. Jessica and I were pissed. We effing hate parades. Stupid shitty parades. I’d very much like to go to Mardi Gras, though. I’m sure I’d be laden with beads.

She was very upset. I don’t know why. Probably something I said.

What is this? Hooters? How vulgar.

The Haunted Mansion! Spooky, scary! I want to live there. The conservatory gives me architecture-gasms. I have several daily.

I’m good at capturing myself, not so good with others. The mustache does look bad here, I’ll agree.

This ensemble was all kinds of wrong. When I’m on Fashion Police, finally(!), I’ll bring this as my fashion disaster. Then again, I’ve done worse, but not on film. This was at the Babycakes bakery branch that opened in Downtown Disney. Cute-ish.

The cupcake was actually horrid. I’ll be honest. Quite a disappointment. Vegan baking is so tedious, and it wasn’t inedible, so I give them a bit of credit. Oddly bitter taste.

I don’t ever have diarrhea as I don’t have bowel movements, no celebrities do, but I’d assume this would be the last place a person would go with diarrhea. Am I wrong?

The castle by night. Ah, majestic.

These came from the new line outside of the Haunted Mansion. Gorgeous. I approve.

KITTY! I love them. I’m such a cat person. Suck on that, my bitches.

At the Festival of the Lion King. We were lions. Duh. I’m a Leo. Loves it. I want to be a jumping monkey when I grow up. Don’t you dare tell me that I am grown up. I shan’t ever be!