By now, I’m sure I’ve beaten it into all your brains how I was considered to be on the current cycle of America’s Next Top Model, how it would have been a dream come true (see what I did there? Tyra does.), how I would have won the show, my disgust when I wasn’t selected and the actual cast was revealed, my angry tirades that followed, and of course my recent run-in with Ms. Banks when we were both at the Grove last month. Refresher:

I’ve tried to become better adjusted to this strange reality where I’m not working my way towards being “on top,” (GIGGLE!) but it’s a daily struggle. There’s always next time, I know.

BUT, I get the strange feeling that maybe things worked out for the best. You’ll of course recall my horror and disdain when: Allison Harvard lost the show TWICE, when “pot ledom” became a phrase, the firing of the J’s and Nigel, the arrival of the new judges, the existence of Whitney Thompson, Tyra’s endless jumpsuits, Johnny’s ironic caps, the retirement of the word “fierce,” Tyra’s assertion that “We will never have another normal cycle of America’s Next Top Model again,” when I actually read and filled out the application, the “Cycle 2.0” dance, and then…I can barely bring myself to write it — the booch. I’ve been making this face for awhile:

The show just hasn’t been nearly as much fun as it used to be, when it aspired to actually portray serious fashion instead of madness. I loved it so much that it hurts me to watch now. It’s insane and not always in a good way. My sister and I routinely shake our heads at Tyra’s latest antics and say, “She’s lost it for good this time,” but then she strikes out and does something even more unbelievable or in poor taste. (I’ve never gotten over the insertion of “pot ledom” in the songs, I never will.) We make this face, actually:

[OH MY GOD, I LOVE THIS CAT SOOOOOO FREAKING MUCH!]

When the first episode of this cycle aired, I was in Vegas, and I haven’t been able to watch it, yet — too many emotions, so many feelings, reader. But, now, I’ve decided it’s time, and I have sat myself down in front of my iPad and MacBook and I am going to live blog the first episode with you. It’ll probably make more sense if you watch the show while reading through this, but if you’ve ever seen the show, I suppose it’s all interchangeable — nothing new really happens, you know? Same show + penises. I don’t know what’s about to happen. It’s going to be strange since I’ll be watching it and wondering how I would have reacted to these events. It’s like a ghost world, I suppose. I’m worried. I’m scared for us all.

Shall we begin?

• “Up to now, you know there were no boys allowed on Top Model.” Tyra tells us as she flips her head back and forth. Her wig nearly fell off. Uh….Tyra, what about Isis?
  
• “I’m a guy, we booch.” One of the shirtless male contestants tell us. I’m done. They must have been so embarrassed.
• “There will only be one winner.” WHAT? ONLY ONE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EVERYBODY DOESN’T WIN???????
• “I watch football. That makes me different,” asserts another male contestant. STOP.
• “Growing up…everything’s been really hard on me,” says Chris. “I’ve gone through a lot.” Not this same old sob story, please! Can we get some details? Anybody can whine like this.
• “You sound so pretty.” a semi-finalist tells Tyra on the phone.
• Commercial break…I need gin.
• That plumber has horrible skin.
• Danny is trying to rap about his swagger. Get rid of him.
• “I wanna see some females!” all the ‘straight’ guys demand.
• The female models are all stunned when they’re being put into hair and makeup already. WHO KNEW YOU’D DO THIS ON A MODELING SHOW! I SURE DIDN’T EXPECT IT. MAKEUP AND HAIR AND RUNWAYS AND LINGERIE? WHAAAAA???
• Where did she find these trolls? I mean…I auditioned twice!
• It’s groundbreaking that male models are on the show, guys, cause you know how all these models go on to have insanely successful careers…
• It’s all about personality, Johnny tells us…not you know, you’re ability to sell products via ad campaigns or walk the runway for designers.
• The guys are crying when the makeup is put on them. Really? I mean, really? A little foundation makes you cry? REALLY?
• “I’m a big ladies guy…but my biggest belief is waiting until marriage.”
• THERE’S A TRANSGENDER CONTESTANT! WERRRK GURL!
• “Modeling is the only thing I’m good at…it’s what I was born to do.”
• The androgynous guy is fun. We’d be friends. [Top row, third.]
• Sweet Jesus, some guy just came out looking like Prince Poppycock to introduce the judges. I would literally be on the floor at this point, gasping for breath.
• How much lip gloss does Rob Evans have on tonight?
• You know, when you watch this show and actually listen to things the contestants say, it’s utterly ridiculous and pointless. What they say literally means nothing. “I saw the judges and they’re like all there and now it’s like my time to shine.” That’s a direct quote. What happened to eloquence?
• When the men and the ladies see each other, they go off like, “ERMAHGERHD, LOOK HOW FINE HE/SHE IS. ITS SO HOT UP IN HERE.” Bitches, these fools are your competition. You do not get connected. You do not come to make friends! YOU CAME TO WIN! Don’t you know anything about how to be on a reality show?
• “We’re gonna have to pose at the end of the runway.” *considers turning show off*
• They have to kiss each other at the end of the runway. They’re real bad kissers.
• Why are they attacking each other? They’re literally lunging at each others faces. I’d be terrified. I would have picked two people, smirked and winked at Tyra.
• Chris was the only good kisser. He was gay. Of course.
• STOP TRYING TO HOOK UP!
• Somebody finally said, “I’m here to win.” Thank you, Beyoncé!
• “My girlfriend is really gonna have something to say about this.” Your girlfriend knows you’re here to compete with ladies, dummy.
• Gay kiss = genius.
• These bitches all need makeovers.
• “When I walk, I feel like a bad bitch. If I win America’s Next Top Model, I would have my own liquor, I would have my own club.” Okay, she’d be my bestie on the show.
• The sexism is ridiculous and I’m only 20 minutes in.
• “I am single. Ready to mingle.” JUST STOP. You’re all competing for a Guess campaign and more. STOP. PLEASE!
• Tyra tells all the judges that she can SEE them because she’s NOT wearing a mask. All our minds exploded. No mask, Tyra? Huh? How would we ever know if you didn’t say!?!?!?
• Jeremy was bullied. WHO WASN’T?
• They’re horny little freaks. I’d be in a corner with my eyebrows raised to high heaven, sipping a glass of water and looking directly into the camera and slowly shaking my head.
• “MY FAMILY HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH *SOB* MY DAD LOST EVERYTHING. THIS IS MY DREAM. ECONOMY! I WANT THIS FOR ME BUT NO, MY FAMILY!” Go home.
• Kelly Cutrone is the only judge that makes any sense. She has to remind them all that they are there to pick somebody who photographs well, not one that has a sad story. I BOW DOWN TO YOU, KELLY.
• Marvin was ashamed that his father was a janitor. F**K YOU, MARVIN. Cool your judgmental tits.
• Oh sweet Buddha, now Marvin is proud of his janitor father because Tyra just whipped his nasty ass with reality. I hope he goes home in the next two minutes. I do not approve.
• Mike wore a hoodie to panel. He also claims he didn’t recognize Tyra at his ice cream truck. I’m done with him.
• “That’s an over-the-shoulder tooch,” Tyra tells us. I slam my head onto the table.
• Chris needn’t look SO PISSED all the time. He was homeless. Who hasn’t been homeless on this show? Did my house prevent me from being America’s Next Top Model? Guess what…his life was difficult, too.
• I approve of the hairy guy named Phil. I don’t approve of his taped shoes. Bottom row, last one.]
• Virgg cried over Isis = immediate golden ticket, I’d assume.
• Now I’m eating cake and pouting.
• I wish I had a miserable childhood, then I’d have a whiny story to cry about.
• They’re having a dance party. I could have brought my amazing twerking skills to the room.
• “I need this more than anything!” Sobs one girl before saying she can’t go back home to work for $4. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A WAITRESS!
• I’m not bitter anymore about not being on the show, but I honestly and sincerely wonder what these contestants have that I don’t. They’re the usual mix of sob stories, single mothers, the homeless, and sluts — is it so wrong that I’m a pastry chef with a quick wit who photographs well and works with youth and manages to have a home? I just don’t understand. *swigs gin* They would have loved me. It would have been like this at panel: 
• They’re standing in front of a mansion and all asking, “What is going on?” What the F**K do you think is going on? I mean, really? Do they make them act this stupid? I don’t think I could manage it.
• “Please pick me, please pick me…I mean if you don’t, I’ll just have an anxiety attack and die.” My kind of girl.
• Now Marvin won’t shut up about his father.

Le…grand….sigh….

It’s still engaging and I can’t help but find myself drawn into the show. I have mixed feelings. I’ll continue processing them. But…I just can’t help think/know that I would have done excellently. WHATEVER. At least I made it through one episode.