A day has passed and I am ready to start the next episode of America’s Next Top Model. Now that my already nearly nonexistent expectations for this show have been thrown off the cliff of good taste, I think I’m better adjusted to continue meeting the cast. I’m not entirely sure why we’re wasting so much time doing this and not getting into the show, but I’m not a producer. If I was, handsome people with interesting stories would be cast (ME) not rude jerks from the Bronx who are disappointed that their fathers are making a living. I’m absolutely disgusted by him.

I suppose we should get started. I’m going to avoid drinking this time. I found lots of typos I had to correct this afternoon. Instead, I’m having more espresso — I think I’m at about ten shots a day right now — and a mint macaron. I made them today with a Pierre Hermé recipe and I’m not entirely sure what to think of them. He instructs you to put almond meal in the ganache. I don’t think this is a good idea texturally, but Pierre has never let me down. He’s like my fairy godfather of the pastry arts.

Quick recap before we get started: the usual insanity of this once grand institution continues with multiple eye rolls as the archetypical contestants are revealed. Other than the fact that the program is no longer terribly sexist, there is nothing new here; as always it is built of the following: the constant mindless mumblings of the models, their cookie cutter backgrounds, and their desperate need for a makeover. Le sigh.

Also, I’d like to thank my queen, Latrice Royale, and friends for narrating today’s post.


Alright, here we go:

  • Marvin begins by telling us he’s wanted to be a model since he was a little boy. So…why doesn’t he pursue those dreams, does he truly believe that this show is going to further his career?tumblr_md14xoE7Mt1qlvwnco1_400I think he spends the majority of his time crying about his father’s janitorial position and worrying what other people think — he claims he would be killed if he wore makeup where he’s from. Get out, then, child!
  • Tyra calls the house a “palatial mansion.” Obviously she’s unsure what palatial means. It’s more of a faux-stone cottage meets mansion than a palace, but whatever. And isn’t “palatial mansion” a bit over exaggerative?
  • I’ve only made it 36 seconds into this episode and just took my first break.
  • Cory just told the girls that he can walk better than them in heels. We’re like spirit animals.  We would have been best frenemies. We would have been squirrel friends. We would have driven everybody insane.tumblr_m0fj5wkl1R1qlvwnco1_400
  • MACARON UPDATE: they’re great. I should never have doubted you, my Pierre.
  • The hairy guy should trim his beard because he looked cute in the pictures where he had less of a beard.
  • Alexandra is talking about the economy again. STOP.
  • “These people haven’t been through the same things I’ve been through, I can guarantee that.” Marvin declares before we cut to a picture of his well-dressed father happily doing janitorial work. I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. He needs to leave and learn some respect.tumblr_m0sloie0EQ1qlvwnco1_400
  • Don just said that he has a girlfriend, but all these girls are tempting ‘cause they’re models. Where to begin with this? 1) Dear Don’s girlfriend: LEAVE HIM, 2) The girls in this show are contestants to become models, they are not models, 3) That chest tattoo was a mistake.
  • “I won the Red Lip Smize contest that Tyra had on Instagram.” Virgg tells us. I applaud her for making it through that sentence without erupting in hysterics. I did here — I about entered that contest, but I just couldn’t. What a fool I was!
  • (Can you imagine getting your penis cut off? I’ve got the willies thinking about it. HAHAHAAHAHAHH! Do you see what I did there?)
  • Virgg, there hasn’t been a photo shoot, yet, turn off the tears, please! Save it for panel where you can use it to your advantage.tumblr_m6wyymPIC81qlvwnco1_r1_400 Haven’t you learned anything from the past cycles? (Speaking of that, have any of you choreographed your exit from the show when you don’t receive a picture? No? Just me? Oh well…TYRA SHOULD KNOW THE PAINS I’VE GONE THROUGH.)
  • “Let’s have a piggyback race.” I would have slapped her.
  • “Tyra comes in and we’re all like puppies.” I’m still trying to understand what this means.
  • TAKE OFF THAT RIDICULOUS CAP, ROB EVANS. You’re not a 70 year-old French peasant.tumblr_m66s83LVTI1qlvwnco1_400
  • Tyra just gave the contestants an honest lecture on how difficult it is for male models to break through to success in this industry and then tells the girls that they have to be better than them because females rule and is going to guide them. My nostrils are flaring so hard right now, guys.
  • I’m so confused by what they’re trying to do. They have been segregated based on gender and are being told what their worth is. I don’t understand what the point of a competition is then if there isn’t one? Why not do a male only cycle then?
  • Don is talking about how unique his look is…it is unique…it’s unattractive. We would not get along. Now we have to listen to his horrible rapping.tumblr_md155rTdVr1qlvwnco1_400
  • Uh oh, we have a prude! She’s not comfortable about acting sexy around somebody she’s not with. WHAT IS THE POINT OF MODELING, THEN?
  • Direct quote: “Uh, what makes me special? I’m from Alaska. I’m a plumber.” Let’s break this down shall we? He lives someplace and has a job. CONGRATUF**KINGLATIONS. tumblr_mjicoq3lpl1qlvwnco1_500
  • “A man wants a woman who is like an antelope in the jungles of Africa.” –Tyra Banks. She’s giving relationship advice after telling her girls that she’s single. Nobody else’s eyeballs fell out from all the rolling they’re doing?
  • Tyra is advising them to flirt with each other. I’m so concerned. I’m glad I’m not there. I really am.
  • God, I hate pitting people together based on gender. When I was in school this pissed me off so much.
  • Chris is punching people in the balls. What is this? He then says, “I wasn’t doing it to harm anybody, it’s just something we used to do.”tumblr_m0slmu58tZ1qlvwnco1_400 I’m exhausted. He has testicles, I assume? Is he not aware of their sensitivity? How is this behavior acceptable. He would be floating in the pool if I was there.tumblr_m79nnwKsLq1qlvwnco1_400
  • Also, why is Chris in boxer briefs and why are they blurring out his crotch? I’ve so many questions about what this means.tumblr_lzpfsxMuB51qlvwnco1_r1_400
  • “In my life, I’m frequently misunderstood,” says Chris the ball puncher with a look on his face of utter confusion. “People are gonna judge you. They don’t know why I am the way I am.” Okay, Chris, okay, just shut up now.
  • They’re doing a photo shoot on Hollywood Boulevard. I hate Hollywood Boulevard. I would have excused myself for cocktails at the Roosevelt.tumblr_mj5qlpOR3l1qlvwnco1_400
  • People on the street are going to text their vote about which shoot they like best. The contestants don’t seem to know that the people on Hollywood Boulevard are hustlers, angry tourists from Asia, and guides that have no clients.
  • I am sick to death of this phrase, “He/She is definitely sombody that I’m going to have to watch out for.” BITCH YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR THEM ALL BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL EQUALLY IN POSITION TO WIN. A;SDLKFHA;SDOAS;OIGHASODIGQHWRO;GJAKPS;DLA ROSTVIQNWPYWB;
  • Nina and Cory are my house friends.
  • Chris is now telling us about all the drama (that he started) that is going on and how it’s (his own behavior) affecting him. Bitch, please.
  • NOW HE JUST TOLD JOHNNY THAT HE’S DOING TERRIBLE. Do these idiots know nothing??? Never claim weakness.
  • I don’t really understand why they’re dressed up like porn models from 2002.
  • “We’ve all got that inner black woman inside of us.” Lord knows I do.
  • The girl who got married at 18 is blaming her marriage on the results of her photo shoot. I can’t with this.
  • The Alaskan plumber’s outfit…gurl, no.
  • I love Virgg. She’s also my house friend, but she seems a bit of a downer. She’s already going on about her health. Gurl, keep it together.
  • Is club promoter an actual career?
  • “The young girls, they were looking at me in awe.” STOP. tumblr_m6wxwdWCJQ1qlvwnco1_400
  • The contestants awkwardly talk to pedestrians and I’m uncomfortable with it.
  • “Marvin, you’re like a reptile.” DYING.
  • Marvin thinks that because he is Hispanic he has a good chance of winning. I don’t understand people. We constantly try to find a happy spot in our world where everybody gets along and yet everybody insists on segregating. Why can’t people vote for you because they like you (even though you’re awful, Marvin)? I wouldn’t ever begin to think that just white people would vote for me or that just gay people would vote for me or that just old women would vote for me or that just men would vote for me. I would think that if I did a good job and looked like sex I’d get all kinds of people to vote for me. This is highly bothersome and a serious issue with our modern world.
  • I just can’t stand him.tumblr_m7monuyukY1qlvwnco1_400
  • Get rid of Chris.
  • Get rid of Marvin.
  • Get rid of Don.
  • Jourdan is having to lecture Jeremy already that he needs not be so flirtatious toward her. Thank Krishna for Cory.
  • Don kindly tells us all that there aren’t enough beds and he bets there is going to be another elimination for sure. Really, Don? Did you not listen to Tyra or Bryan or anybody?
  • WHY IS EVERY OTHER SCENE ABOUT MARVIN’S JANITOR FATHER?I’m so over this, I can hardly stand to watch. It’s taken me an hour to watch half of a forty minute program because I have to take so many breaks to keep my sanity.
  • Marvin is now sobbing on the phone to his father (because he knows it makes great TV, good on you, Marvin) and telling him how thankful he is for his “pop.” He’s still crying as he tells his father that he’s the happiest he’s ever been. Now he’s crying with Don about how much he loves his father and wants to be with him and what a great guy he is. Buddha preserve me.
  • Chris H. tells us that he’s socially awkward. #totesobvious. He makes me look like a freaking social butterfly.
  • “My mom never said ‘I love you’ to me, ever.” –Chris H. This is why he punches people in their reproductive organs?
  • During the commercial break I sincerely consider stopping the show and just forgetting about it. It’s a terrible program, honestly.
  • DIRECT QUOTE FROM MARVIN: “I don’t know. It’s like people are so judgmental. I’m glad like…you are who you are.” tumblr_m02lo2x0Rz1qlvwnco1_400Do one of you want to take this one for me? 1) Marvin has been judging his father for who he is for decades, 2) Marvin is a hypocrite, 3) Marvin needs forcibly ejected from the “palatial mansion.”
  • These horrible people have trashed the “palatial mansion” and there hasn’t been one elimination yet.
  • Tyra just reminded us that there are guys and girls on this cycle. SHOCK.tumblr_m8cpdjFbSa1qlvwnco1_400
  • I want BryanBoy’s sequined top.
  • “Love the idea of a transgender in this competition.” –Johnny Wujek. Is Isis just not a thing?
  • I like Nina. She can stay. She can win, if she’d like to. 
  • I’m so tired of this social media nonsense.
  • Virgg just quit. Ugh, I liked her.
  • Tyra is grabbing Virgg and shaking her and shouting that she’s beautiful. Virgg looks mildly panicked. I’d be petrified.tumblr_lqlhb1SP9P1ql5yr7o1_400
  • The short gay guy made it. So did Cory. I’m pleased about that.
  • One spot left…don’t be Marvin…don’t be Marvin…PLEASE DON’T BE MARVIN…
  • It’s Marvin.tumblr_m287df3uol1qlvwnco1_400
  • The plumber didn’t make it. Neither did the guy who looks 40. None of them practiced their losing scene.
  • Everything’s a gimmick.

It nearly did me in, reader. I hope I can maintain the strength to entertain you. I fear.

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