Didn’t mean to scare you with this week’s GIF. I freaking love Halloween. I even delayed the regular posting of this so that I could post it on this most wonderful of nights. Before we get into this week’s sermon, please pick up your hymnal, a dead man’s toe, and your broom (or mop or vacuum) and let’s sing to the eternal classic “I Put A Spell On You” from the timeless Halloween classic, Hocus Pocus:
Can you believe it’s twenty years old already? I’m ancient.
Halloween, or preferably, All Hallow’s Eve, is the best holiday. I even prefer it to Christmas, which is ridiculous since I love getting gifts so much. There’s just something rather wonderful, though, about adults and children celebrating the macabre and dressing up like sluts. I’m glad I live in a world such as this.
Superstition dictates that on this night, the souls of the dead are free to return to Earth and roam about and cause all kinds of mischief. I tried to look the history of this belief up, but after doing four minutes of research, I just stopped. I’m preaching my religion here, and when have religions ever done a fact check? Never. Halloween is basically Christmas in this religion that we celebrate together.
Now, onto the sermon! Ghosts. I think they’re one of the most wonderful things in all the world. Many people believe in ghosts and many don’t. The people that don’t believe in ghosts are dumb. I’ve seen ghosts. I’ve experienced paranormal phenomenon. For me, I can’t deny their existence. I don’t think it’s possible for me to do so. I’ve seen people I don’t know walk through my house. I’ve heard footsteps pacing above me. I’ve heard conversations when nobody’s home. I’ve listened to old phonographs play when there was no old phonograph in the house to play. I’ve watched as supernatural forces opened doors. I’ve felt the unexplained chill of a cold spot. I’ve heard unknown entities call out my name. I’ve had items move about for no reason. I know that ghosts are real and I find such comfort in them. Why? Well, let me tell you.
People are so afraid of death and what comes after — the title of a book I’m reading, by the way. I never have been, I’ve always known that ghosts were real so I knew that after the physical body dies, somehow we still go on. It’s as simple as that. If ghosts are real, and they are, then dying is no big deal. Isn’t that refreshing? Don’t you find great comfort in your existence now? I do.
So, go put on your sluttiest costume — once I get an ass, maybe I’ll just wear an apron and say I’m a slutty chef — go out and party and eat all the candy and carve pumpkins and roast pumpkin seeds and bob for apples and scare the shit out of yourself at haunted houses because this is what the season’s all about. It’s about celebrating a time when we can embrace the slutty psycho we all have within us. It’s about irresponsibly overdosing on sugar. It’s about exploring our fears and having a delightful time before winter strikes and we’re all snowed in.
Go treat yourself to a sugar high!