I am super proud to announce the latest saint to our religion, delighted to broaden our pantheon, thrilled at the thought of: Donatella Versace!
Yes! Queen Donatella is the most recent to merit sainthood in this religion. If you wonder why, you really shouldn’t be in my church. GET OUT! (Just kidding, send tithes.) How can I properly explain to you why she’s perfect? Let’s start with Gaga’s new song about her:
God, that was ama-zayn.
And, if that didn’t make it clear enough, let’s watch the trailer for the ridiculous LIFETIME film about her life.
I hope someday a terrible picture is made of my story — whatever that is. I can’t think of anything better. I do stay awake some nights worrying that an ugly actor will be cast as me, though. I hope they cast Matt Bomer:
Back to Donatella, though, should you be able to pull your eyes away from
me Matt. If you still don’t understand why Miss Versace is a saint, here’s the whole film:
Donatella is fabulous. She wanders the globe, spending time in her brother’s houses that he had before his unfortunate murder, like the $21,000,000 New York townhouse or the $125,000,000 (let that number sink in) South Beach mansion. She changed the world of fashion by using celebrities instead of unknown models. Prince Charles is a frequent guest at her numerous parties. She snorts (snorted) cocaine like it was air. She once said, “Haven’t you heard? I sleep every night in the deep freezer!” She’s had wonderful amounts of plastic surgery. Your reverend applauds people brave enough to undertake unnecessary operations for beauty. Do some yourself. She thinks Fifty Shades of Grey is poorly written. She doesn’t want to go outside in the fresh air. She designed the suit of my dreams for Versace’s collaboration with H&M:
Anyway, I just love her and you should too. I don’t have much else to say.
Hail Queen Donatella!