Holla Flock!

Many people who are religious leaders — like me! — are important and vital members of the community. You come to us for counseling and to hear confession. Nobody’s confessed anything to me, yet, and I’d be more than happy to listen to all the nasty things you’ve done. Comment below!

It’s our moral responsibility to lead you sinning masses, of lesser mental faculties, to the Holy Land, the Elysium Fields, straight past the angry crocodile beast Ammit, who wants to stuff himself on your beating heart and into the afterlife. Obviously, I would have been a better priest in ancient Egypt. I love all the incense, the religious ceremonies, the gold, their pantheon of gods and goddesses, and their outfits of linen skirts. I don’t like wearing shirts when my bod rockin’, you know? The only thing I wouldn’t be cool about is their purification rituals where the priests shave all the hair from their bodies. I’m rather attached — literally — to the masculine hairy bits I have, even my lame beard, and don’t want to rid myself of them. I got off topic, sorry. It’s my moral duty to lead you down the path to righteousness.

Today we will be discussing a rather unpleasant subject: fitness. Jesus had the best abs of all time — think about it. Right? There’s even a Tumblr devoted to the subject filled with delightful images such as these:

The Internet is fun, isn’t it?

I’m a fan of his musculature and his hair. I’m not saying that I’m growing out my long, wavy locks to emulate the son of God, but I won’t deny it, either. Guess who’s planning to be sexy Jesus for Halloween? Did you guess me? You’re right! Award yourself a gold star.

Anyway, I’ve always been curious how Jesus got so fit. Does it have to do with a Mediterranean diet? He had an unlimited supply of bread and fish — think of all those carbs, girl! Don’t even get me started on all that wine he’s making at those weddings he’s been catering. Obviously, he’s well fed. Why so ripped? I don’t think carpenters do all that much for exercise. They might lift some wood (WOOD! Giggle!), but that would only explain his fine biceps. The abs are unexplained.

They can only be miraculous then, right? I’m a reverend; where are mine? I’d much rather have abs than a clerical collar. It’s nice, but it’s just a silly bit of paper after all. Having abs is one of the easiest ways of recognizing the ones God loves most. He works in strange and mysterious ways, so there are often people with beautiful abs and hideous faces. Such a sad combination.

If you want to be a good person, religious art history makes it very clear that sexy abs are a surefire way to Heaven! So, you should probably work out. Your reverend has recently tried to get back into his fitness regime, but is having difficulties since Satan loves to tempt with delicious nibbles like: poppyseed baguettes, chocolate macarons, lemon tarts, so many varieties of cake, sorbet, cottage cheese, bottles of wine, pasta, chocolate chips, and baked potatoes with loads of butter. He also loves to lure us into luxurious naps. Don’t give in, flock! I know you’re weak, but try!

Be courageous and try to limit your caloric intake and go for a walk or two. When you have a few minutes, do a couple hundred crunches — not so hard as it sounds, really — and then pray. Pray to the sweet Beysus above that your abs will emerge from their fatty habitat. When they do, know that you are divine.

That’s all for today, flock. #SANASA