I have a deep love affair with lentils. I think they’re the most perfect food in the world. They are so good for you, too, which confounds me, since they are so delicious. It’s wonderful when delicious things benefit your health. I watched an episode of Julia Child’s cooking show years ago…I think I was flying home from France…where she did all sort of things with lentils. I thought they looked gross. She was going on and on about their protein and the vitamins in them. Blah! I was not a vegetarian then, I didn’t care. But then I became a vegetarian and started to care much more. I was alarmed by how I took to these little beans. They’re perfect. Good in tacos, good in soup, good on a salad, good in EVERYTHING. Oddly enough, I’d never made lentil soup, so the other day, whilst watching the entirety of the 7-hour livecast of 1D Day, I made a batch. I had a recipe that looked rather delicious, but what I made looked nothing like the picture. Odd how that happens. You can buy the exact same ingredients and do everything exactly like the author says, and yet, you have something entirely wrong. Annoyed, I messed with it a bit and got it to be creamy and delicious. It required a bunch more liquid, salt, and I even added a touch of xantham gum. It was amazing. I ate the entirety in a day. A DAY. Think how protein dense I must be! I later learned that while the recipe didn’t specify hulled lentils, they are the ones I should have used — when they cook, they dissolve and become quite creamy. Mystery solved, I’ll have to get some at Whole Foods.
One of the saddest things about being a vegetarian is that we feel guilty about leather. How can you not, though? I felt guilty about it even when I ate entire flocks of chickens. It’s skin! SKIN! We’re basically living out Hannibal Lector’s life. I have a rather strong passion for dress shoes and cannot easily resist them — I don’t resist them, in fact, something inside my mind refuses to let me. So, I guiltily wear all these stunning shoes. SHOES! I am thrilled, though, that pleather is making a comeback. It’s back with a vengeance, rather. Studs and pleather and loads of black. Be still my heart! I have given into this trend with abandon. Just the other day I ordered the pictured sweater with pleather shoulders from H&M and even though the fit of it is a bit strange, I still love it. I look like I’m in Zenon the Zequel. Disney used to have the best movies. They weren’t really the best, but they were certainly fun to watch. I remember eagerly looking forward to the next installment of High School Musical… What? Like you didn’t? Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yes, faux leather. It’s everywhere, it’s all over the place, and I’m mad about it, simply wonderfully in love with it all. I cannot wait to order a faux leather jacket. I’ve always wanted one, but just couldn’t do it, just couldn’t wear a cow. Now I can wear plastic! HOORAY FOR FASHION.
“Swings Both Ways” by Robbie Williams:
Robbie Williams never seems to have taken off here in the States, but back in Europe he’s a big deal. He lives in LA, but still, you never hear about a new Robbie Williams song on the radio. This is a real shame, since Robbie is a marvelous singer. I loved his single “Candy” which was a massive hit in Europe last year when I was there for Thanksgiving. It’s a magnificent track, highly recommended. He recently released Swings Both Ways, which is a SWING album. See what he did there? This is something that I think more artists need to do. Gaga sings beautiful jazz and so does Beyoncé. I think it’s a shame that they stick so strictly to the pop music. I love pop music, but my heart is truly in lounge singing. If I could pick a talent to have, the ability to belt out a tune while draped on a grand piano would be the one I picked. Robbie’s album is a triumph and I’m in love with it, especially his cover of “If I Only Had A Brain.” It’s genius. I never have thought about it outside the context of The Wizard of Oz, but it works magnificently well as a standalone single about should-be love. Buy your copy now! Or, get it on Spotify. Spotify is proof of Jesus.
I have told you time and time again how I hate slang. Well, I only hate it when I see it. I don’t have any troubles with it when speaking. I say YOLO and WHATEVS and LOLZ all the damn time now. LOL is my latest. I’ve reclaimed it back from the youth and taken it for my own catchphrase. It’s my response to everything and I don’t care what anybody thinks. Insult me, I say LOL. Compliment me, I say LOL. Say hello and I respond with LOL. I can’t help it. It’s stupid and foolish, but I don’t care, I feel amazing as I talk out text messages.
Watch TCM App:
I have been waiting ages for the cable revolution. I’m tired of having to rely on a television and a cable receiver. This app, from my friends at TCM (they follow me on Twitter. Do any major cable networks follow you on Twitter? NO? Sad.) is the start of that revolution. With it, you can watch whatever is live on TCM — on both coasts! — and and then a select number of other classic movies. I saw at least two with Joan Crawford, so we know it’s quality! Anyway, I logged in using my Dish Network account details and I fell madly in love. Old movies are just the best. Download it now and enjoy the triumphs of the past!
Cardboard Cake Pans:
I have had these cardboard cake pans in my baking drawer for ages. I never knew when I’d use them, or why I’d use them. I like to think that I was going to make cakes to share with people, but then I realized that I never share cake. I just eat all the cake. CAKE! Well, I saw them again; then I remembered I had lemons, so I made some lovely week-end cakes, my very favorite cake. They baked beautifully in there and I was impressed that I didn’t have to mess with cake pans and parchment paper and binder clips and vegetable spray. I was less impressed when I tried to serve myself a slice. It was nearly impossible to come out without marring the physical perfection of the cake. I hate marred cake. Tasted alright, but seemed dryer than usual. I don’t think I’ll use them again.
If only I could sing! I spoke about this earlier, but it’s still bothering me. I often think that if I had the ability to sing well, I’d be the happiest person in all the world. Perhaps the reason I’m so miserable about this is the fact that I don’t have an awful voice. It has the potential to be good, I feel, but I have no training and never had the inclination until recently to have this skill. I don’t have any desire to go onto X Factor or anything like that, but I’ve always thought that being a lounge singer might be a wonderful thing to do in my retirement. I’d release a jazzy album once in a while and I’d have a marvelous time covering standards. I sing them every day as it is, why not professionally? I listen to lessons and read books on vocal training, I sing along as I play through my book of Cole Porter sheet music on the piano, but no matter what I do, I just sound mediocre. I hope that maybe this changes someday, but I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a person who has actual skill. I’m quite lazy, you know?
I’m going to start off by saying that I don’t really hate Wikipedia loops, I find them engaging and highly informative. I just hate what they do to my time! The other evening I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, when I couldn’t remember which hieroglyphic symbol made the F sound. Normal. So, I whipped my phone out and looked it up, then I had to look at a couple links that showed some ancient tablets with some of the first known hieroglyphs. Then, of course, I had to investigate a museum in San Francisco that is home to some of these tablets. I love San Francisco, so of course I clicked a ton of links. Did you know that in the past, San Francisco banned all cemeteries from the city borders and all the corpses were disinterred and moved to a cemetery outside of town called Colma? I researched Colma and then remembered Colma the Musical, which I watched in high school. I know I’ve seen it, but I can’t remember any of the plot. No matter, I was already researching famous graves, where I discovered Phineas Gage, who was famed for having a massive steel bar shoot through his head. He lived and toured the country. I then wondered why people aren’t naming their children Phineas. I’d name my child Phineas. Not something boring like Tom or Bob. My child would have the most ridiculous name with dozens of middle names. Then, I realized it was three o’clock in the morning, and I had to get up in three hours for work. All because I wondered about an F.
$35 Free Shipping on Amazon:
What is this shit? I am annoyed and offended that Amazon has raised their free shipping price from $25 to $35. I understand that in the scheme of things, $10 is not too terrible an amount to have to spend, but it makes clever shopping on Amazon much more annoying. I’d often buy a new hardback book and a CD or some baking tool to make the balance just over $25, but now I would have to order even more, two books perhaps! That defeats the purpose. I’ve now refused to buy all the little trinkets I want on PRINCIPLE! It’s probably a good thing for me, since I won’t feel quite so guiltless about doing a lovely bit of online shopping. I still think it’s awful, though. I was going to buy a case for my new IPHONE, but I couldn’t do it. It was only a $13 case, but then I’d have to spend $22 more! Bitch, please! Still willing to go through with the order, I added a pocket square I’ve been eyeing, but it didn’t ship through Amazon, so I said, “SCREW EVERYTHING,” and still don’t have a case on my beautiful GOLDEN IPHONE WITH FINGERPRINT SCANNER. I’ll get one eventually, but I don’t really want to cover up the gold…people won’t know how fancy I am.
Lack of Vegetarian Options at McDonalds:
Last night, Jessica and I were on a very important covert mission to speed through the streets to Walmart to get permission to use a credit card to order pre-sale tickets to the STADIUM TOUR of ONE DIRECTION. We got them. Jealous? You should be jealous. You should be weeping in anger that you don’t have tickets, yet. Oh, we’re going to have a good time! Still haven’t decided on the train or the bus to get us there, but we have until next August to plan that! We still have a European holiday to do first. OUR LIVES ARE LUXURIOUS. Well, after we went to Walmart and ordered our tickets on my new GOLDEN IPHONE, we were starved. It was late at night, so nothing was open to eat aside from McDonald’s. I thought I might get fries, but then I remembered that they’re soaked in beef. GROSS. The only vegetarian option that I could figure out was the side salad, which in all honesty, was pretty decent. I know! I’m shocked, though, that they don’t have a few other things to try. Burger King at least has veggie burgers and mozzarella sticks. Ironically (I think?) McDonald’s has completely vegetarian restaurants…in INDIA. Bring some options here! Or, follow your French brethren and get some pastries and potato wedges. McDonald’s in France is a delight; here it’s just kind of shit.