I am on pins and needles to share the second part of my wish list with you. I couldn’t bear to wait until next week! I know that you probably feel the same. There’s just something magical about Christmas, don’t you think? I don’t know what it is. Even though I’m a reverend, I don’t give a hoot about the story of the birth of Jesus, mainly because I think it’s a bunch of crap. Still that doesn’t lessen the joy of the Holiday season. I love all of the holidays. I enjoy Hanukkah and hope to eventually befriend Jewish people (I don’t think I know any Jewish people.) and attend one of their get-togethers. I’d love to spin a dreidel and eat chocolate coins and light a menorah and chat about the miraculous properties of oil whilst wearing a yarmulke. I can’t think of a better time! (Is this what actually happens? I have no idea, honestly.) I’m sure I’d also like Kwanzaa, but I have no idea what it’s about, either. They also light candles, I think? Who cares? I just like a good reason to have a nice dinner and exchange gifts. Gifts are so important. I consider every single thing I buy myself a personal gift, so I’m very blessed. Alarmingly, I’ve begun to realize that I need to start scrimping and saving for my trip to Europe next summer, so I’m probably going to become super depressed soon. I just love shopping so much. I need a sugar daddy like I need air. Send in your applications, please!
Alright, let’s carry on with my list!
11. All of Ina Garten’s Cookbooks:
Nobody will ever be more beloved to me than my dear friend, Martha Stewart, but Ina Garten comes incredibly close! Ina and I are spirit animals, both very fancy bitches. We’d be best friends. We’d drink her margaritas, cook together in her barn, tease Jeffrey about his grilling, and then invite all of her fabulous friends over. It’d be heaven. HEAVEN. I can think of few things I’d rather do. (One of them is of course going to Skylands for the weekend with Martha and going yachting. PLEASE COME TRUE, DREAMS.) Anyway, I adore Ina and love her recipes — they actually work unlike so many other “chefs.” I tried a lentil soup recipe from a well-known food personality and it turned out so terribly! I was embarrassed for them! Ina is a goddess. I would love to cook my way through her cookbooks, wearing a denim shirt with the collar popped, giggling nervously, and saying, “How easy is that?”
12. Egyptian Cotton Bed Sheets:
Oddly, I’ve never cared much for sheets. For years, I slept on a mattress without a sheet at all, just the slippery top of the mattress itself. I liked that it was slightly cool and you could slither around the bed. I didn’t like how pajamas stuck to sheets and trapped you in the bed. Little did I know back then that sleeping naked was the answer. I think sleeping naked is the most important thing you can do in all the world. It forces you to get a good look at yourself twice a day. I am quite convinced that I’d be fat if I slept in pajamas. This story is not all that important, just thought you might like my opinion on nudity. This summer, I stayed at a very nice apartment in West Hollywood and then at the wonderfully luxurious Chateau Marmont (AKA: CELEBRITY HOTSPOT) and was blown away by how comfortable a nice bed is! In an effort to recreate that feeling of luxury, I have completely redone my bedroom. It’s not quite the Chateau, but it’s nice. Have a look:
13. Home Depot Gift Card:
Never in all my years did I think that I would be the kind of man to frequent a hardware store. “No thank you!” my younger, fatter self would proclaim. But, I’m changed for the better. To me, there are fewer shops more delightful and inspiring than the Home Depot. I love to wander through the massive aisles and think of all the wonderful things I could do if I had a little more money and a little more time. I’d start off by finishing my kitchen, which is 75% done. I’m just out of funds for my renovation. Then, I’d work on teaching myself plumbing and redo my bathroom, I’d even work on building an upper level bathroom with a claw foot tub and a balcony like I fantasize of! Now, though, after a recent trip to Greenfield, Iowa, where I saw the most beautiful parquet floor, I’ve become obsessed with this art form and would love to do some of my own. I know it will surely be intensely stressful, but it looks a bit simpler than quilting!
I have many dreams and ambitions in my life, but one of my favorite fantasies is as follows. I am in some elegant hotel, fast asleep, and then as the warm, mid-morning light streams through the windows onto my face, my eyelids flutter and I enter the realm of the living. I am shocked by my ability to instantly see across the room and out the window at all the tall buildings and lush, verdant trees. Then, I cry and cry, happier than I’ve ever been. I don’t like having to wear contacts and glasses. I don’t like that I can’t see a thing without them. I’m blind without them. It’s ridiculous. It’s the very worst. Every day, every hour, I think of how much better my life would be if my eyes were naturally perfect, or at least corrected to perfection. I wouldn’t have scratchy, itchy eyes from the contacts, and I wouldn’t have to constantly clean my glasses. I feel weak having to rely on corrective lenses. I just want to be normal!
15. Running Shoes:
LOLZ, like I’m going to be running! God no. I like to walk, but I tend to walk in dress shoes because I don’t actually own any tennis shoes. The life of a fashionista, tu sais? I used to like running a little, back when I was on my fitness kick. I’m desperate to start that again, but I just can’t work up the motivation. It’s this godawful darkness and constant winter. Once the spring comes back, I’ll be myself again, but I worry what’ll happen to me until then. I need to get some kind of medicine to make me right again. With that, maybe I won’t just sit around pouting all day and eating? I eat too much. I’m losing my figure and I know I need to get back on track. I have a treadmill and a room to convert into a gym, I just need the right outfit. If I have a pair of shoes, I can get myself motivated to at least walk! That’s better than napping.
16. HD Monitor:
I do an incredible amount of work on my laptop every day; I edit my stories and novels, I edit pictures, I work on this website, and I do tremendous amounts of research. Of course I also watch kitten videos like any normal human being with an Internet connection and I can’t help but watch those videos of Tom Daley tearing off his pants while on the trampoline on repeat. I’M ONLY HUMAN.
You’re welcome. Anyway, I would enjoy having a bigger screen to do my work. I can easily connect my computer to my flatscreen television, but it’s not exactly convenient. It’s too big! This monitor would be perfect to sit on my desk so that I can really work on my pictures and see my words blown up as I tidy and fix them until they’re perfect and I become a beloved American author. Why am I not already? I often forget that I’m not exactly old, I’m only 24, but I feel as if I should have already had some enormous and grand triumph and be in the midst of a pleasant retirement. Alas, no, I’m still working on it. Matter of time, though, I’m not worried about not being a success. But, it’s important to have a monitor!
17. iPhone Case (White):
GUYS! I finally have an iPhone. I am so happy. I have been waiting for this day since 2007! When I first held my beloved GOLDEN IPHONE WITH FINGERPRINT READER on Tuesday afternoon, I felt a completeness in my life that I never thought I’d have. I have been so happy ever since. I will, of course, dedicate an entire blog post on this momentous occasion in my life. If I ever have a child, that will probably pale in comparison to that day. (Sorry, Dominic or Helena or Ashley (ASHLEY IS A BOY NAME.)) I love my iPhone so much. I love it more than anybody I’ve ever loved. I don’t love it more than my cats, of course, but I do love it more than people. PEOPLE HURT YOUR HEART, CAT’S JUST BITE YOU. I didn’t know if I wanted a case for the phone, though. It’s such a GORGEOUS phone with it’s GOLDEN back. I don’t want people to not know that I have a GOLDEN IPHONE WITH FINGERPRINT READER, and yet, I don’t want to get the GOLDEN IPHONE all scratched up. I really like the looks of this case, in WHITE. It’s sleek and elegant and reminds me of my first eBook reader. Oh, how I loved that thing, but it is so outdated these days! It was much more elegant than the Kindle, made of metal, with metal buttons, and a gorgeous oxblood leather cover. Oh well, time moves on, forever a steady progression towards hideous. You’ve noticed, I’m sure, that the further we are along in time the more atrocious everything looks? I’ve gone off on a tangent, sorry. I really like this case, I just really hate the commercial, I hate it so much that I love it.
18. Antique Tea Service:
For years and years, I thought tea was gross. I thought tea was the stuff that my sister and mother were crazy about: over-sweetened iced tea. Turns out, I’m a big fan of a good hot tea. I love it, actually. I’m crazy about tea! TEA! Something I always want to do and don’t get to do enough is go out to afternoon tea at a nice hotel. I’m planning on a little excursion in January to the Drake in Chicago if everything works out. It’ll be fun. But, when I’m at home, I’d like to be able to indulge in a classy tea, too. I’ve been planning on remodeling a section of the parlor in my house into a gracious tearoom. This sounds ridiculous, but I’m not exactly known for being normal. I’m going to get a lovely mullioned window, an electric fireplace, a nice settee and a charming Vitrola. When I get home from work, I’ll put the kettle on, prepare a few artichoke heart and basil sandwiches and indulge in a moment’s peace with my antique tea set. Now, as to the tea set itself. Nothing too floral or with an overabundance of birds. I prefer geometric shapes, something more Art Deco or even Art Nouveau. I don’t know where you’ll find this tea service, but I hope you do, and you’re certainly invited over. Oh, tea strainers are a must, and a mustache cup or two would be excellent!
19. Bed Desk:
I LOVE MY BED. It’s one of the most comfortable rooms in the entirety of the house and I rarely want to get out of it. I do a lot of work from bed and every day I wish that I could work exclusively from my bed. Alas, that is not to be, but at least I could be a bit more productive if I could work on my papers or take breakfast in my KING SIZED BED. I didn’t know these things existed, but when I saw this on Amazon, I about wet myself with glee. It’s beautiful and exactly what I’ve been wanting. I want this in my bed more than I want Zac Efron in my bed. LOLz. JK.
20. Zara Gift Card:
[LINK] $HOW GENEROUS ARE YOU?
Guys! I don’t know how I’ve managed to live so fashionably for so long without knowing about this shop! I just discovered it and I bought the most stunning sequined shirt to wear with my new custom suit for my best friend’s wedding. Here’s a sneak peak:
I’M GOING TO LOOK FREAKING RESPLENDENT. I am in love with everything on this website and I’ve already picked out twenty plus things I’m going to need to take along on my European excursion next year. The majority of time shall of course be spent in London and Paris where fashionable attire is necessary, but I’m also desirous of a jaunt to eastern Europe. I’ve always wanted to experience the peasants in real life. Ever since my youth, I’ve had a bit of an obsession with Transylvanian hay farmers. I truly want to be amongst them for awhile to photograph them in their native costume and watch as they harvest their crop full of gorgeous wildflowers. I hope I’m lucky enough to see this. And, if not, ISTANBUL! The middle east has always been a passion of mine, it’s too bad they can’t all calm down. I understand there are major issues — I’m far from a nincompoop, but how am I to study ancient cultures and modern customs if there are wars going on? Let’s see, I was talking about Zara. I really want this set of bags for my trip. YES, don’t worry, I’ll show them to you!
Thanks in advance for all the gifts you buy me this holiday season! I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know!!!