Why Don’t You? #40



[FYI: This post is coming to you from the past. I set it to publish back when I was in America. As you’re reading this, I should be in London. This blog series will return when I do — who knows when that’ll be? In the meantime, do enjoy my travel posts.]


Why don’t you choose a stage name and then register it as an online domain and then create all the associated social media accounts for your new monicker? Even if you never become famous with your new name, what fun it’ll be to have an entirely new alias! My stage name is Nicky Grey. I think it’s sounds fun and kind of porny. People like that kind of thing.


Why don’t you go out to your garden and pick some herbs, use some overripe fruit in your kitchen, and some liquors from your bar and concoct a delicious new cocktail? I’m experimenting with one this afternoon that blends rum, nectarines, and sage. Sounds bizarre, but it might be wildly delicious.


Why don’t you give everything up and dedicate the rest of your life to stalking your favorite celebrity? I think this would be very rewarding — it’d be almost like being them because you’d be going all the same places, eating in the same restaurants, shopping at the same shops. Such fun.


Why don’t you disguise the entrance to your powder room by affixing a bookcase to the door? The room will become a secret and reinforce the concept that you don’t have bowel movements. No classy people have bowel movements. Your guests will wander around your home in alarm wondering how you are so fancy.


Why don’t you hire a butler or a maid to wait upon you? It might be an unreasonable expense, but just think about how much more elegant your life will be. Maybe you can find some needy student for a live-in kind of situation — just make sure they’re there to draw your bath, bring in your tea tray, make your bed, iron your clothes, mix your cocktails, serve your dinners, and tidy your house.

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