Monday:

Why don’t you buy a crate of gold spray paint and transform your house with a bit of DIY? You can turn your boring frames into glittering works of art. You could spray the feet of your chairs or your lamps or your furniture or anything at all you like. If done well, this is terribly attractive and your friends will be envious of your Versailles-like home.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you teach yourself an obscure dance that you’ll never need in your life? This will be wonderful to use as a party trick or for an audition on some reality series. I imagine I would have been cast in Cycle 20 of America’s Top Model had I pulled out the foxtrot. Alas, I relied too much on my looks.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you schmooze with all the family members you never talk to or don’t like and collect family recipes? It’ll be nice to gather a bit of your heritage. If you don’t come from a family of cooks or if your relatives are all stingy with heirlooms, make up your own culinary heritage. Find a good Ina Garten recipe and say it was your great grandmothers. Nobody will ever question you.

Thursday:

Why don’t you take a standup comedy class in honor of our sadly departed and terribly beloved queen, Joan Rivers? She was a phenomenal inspiration to me and I can’t think of anything better to honor her by than by making jokes. We all need a laugh.

Friday:

Why don’t you throw out all your towels and buy luscious new ones to have monogrammed with your initials or the name of your house in golden thread? The place I live in now doesn’t have a name, I sometimes call it The Country Estate, but it’s far from official. I was very close to buying a house in Perry that I fondly called The Palazzo. That’s a sad story that I don’t feel like revisiting. Anyway, you’ll be terribly elegant with your new towels and all guests and visitors will be ashamed to return to their common abodes.