Monday:

Why don’t you start consuming five lemons every day? They’re wonderfully good for you and so delicious. When I have extras hanging around — which admittedly is not often — I like to squeeze the juice of three into a liter of water. It’s terribly refreshing and reminds me of the incredibly tart lemonades you get in France. Use the rest for cocktails or a vinaigrette.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you get a few new pairs of glasses so that you can accessorize better every day? They also come in handy when you want to drastically alter the way people perceive you. Plus, it’s fun to play a character with a new pair of lenses.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you simplify and simultaneously add sophistication to your wardrobe by only buying and wearing black clothing? This will simplify shopping, you will look fabulous and thin each day, and you will constantly be mistaken for a Parisian. This happens to me, why not you? I’ve not switched completely, but I’m leaning that way and I’m very excited about it.

Thursday:

Why don’t you go to rehab for one of your addictions? We’ve all got one. Mine isn’t to cocaine or alcohol or anything like that, it’s food. If I didn’t have a high metabolism, I’d surely be dead. I’ve tried again and again to be in a better place with my eating, but I keep failing. I need help; hopefully at a nice clinic in California with some celebrities who will become my new best friends. BRB, going to grab my third lunch.

Friday:

Why don’t you buy a case of spray paint and become a beloved street artist with a new name? I’ve long been intrigued by graffiti artists and have often thought about how they do their work. It takes a lot of courage to create things of that nature, which I could muster, but I’m just too lazy to be bothered to spray paint walls at two o’clock in the morning. I’d much rather be asleep.