Monday:

Why don’t you spend an evening at the cinema and see all the films you’ve not been bothered to watch? It will surely cost you a pretty penny, but you’ll be prepared to discuss all the latest movies with your friends and enemies.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you arrange your funeral plans in advance? It’ll be good for your descendants to have it all sorted. Besides, can you trust them to hire a troupe of drag queens to sing classics from the American songbook if you don’t set it up yourself? Would they select the appropriate firework spectacle to shoot off in your honor? I didn’t think so.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you break fashion rules (which no longer exist) and wear all the black and brown combinations that your heart desires? I think, when well executed, it can be gorgeous. It takes taste and style to pull off, but if you’re one of my readers, you have that aplenty.

Thursday:

Why don’t you think of the person that is getting most on your nerves and punch them in their goddamn face? It’ll be a great relief to you, and sure, you might get arrested, but you’ll get a mugshot. If you’re anything like me, you’ve always wanted one and have been practicing for decades!

Friday:

Why don’t you go on one of those terribly specific diets, like the South Beach or the Grapefruit Diet, for a month? It won’t be any fun, but you’ll lose weight. And really, is there anything better than losing weight? (Of course there is! There’s money!)