What Would I Say?

With BeyThis image is not relevant to this post, but Beyoncé is relevant to everything, so whatevs.

There is a delightful website (click here!) that generates Facebook style statuses based on your past statuses. It’ll combine your past words in all new ways and is a great joy because it’s idiotic and an amusing way to procrastinate. I’m always looking for new ways to waste time, so I find myself giggling on this website rather regularly.

Often times the statuses that are created are stupid and don’t make any sense like this one:

I feel like you’re bored, sing My grapes from my CHARMING apartment prices are you can sell your dress makes you look adorable, I wasn’t being chased by a bear!

But every once in a while you come across a real gem:

Damn, I always so tasty.

These things make me laugh more than they should, so I’m going to share my favorites with you. Let’s go.

*frantically attempts to become a terrible Édith Piaf impersonator in Luxor*

The visual of myself dolled up like Édith Piaf whilst wandering around Luxor, Egypt, is a true delight. I don’t know why I would be a terrible Édith, though. I think I could pull off the heartbroken Parisian legend with aplomb!

I’ll never think you’re a gangster kitten.

This one seems rather sweet, like a bizarre but romantic thing to say at the end of a sappy novel. Personally, I think being called a gangster kitten would be rather sweet.

I’m shivering in my armoire.

Surely this is ironic in someway? I’ve never been fully understanding of the laws of irony. I get it, but I could never explain it. You’d think if I was in an armoire, though, that there would be cozy sweaters aplenty.

She looks rather British lately.

Another compliment, though I’m not sure if British people have a distinctive look. I blend in easily with them whenever I’m abroad.

Sugar Bear in my grillz.

This one is rather scarring. I do feel so bad that Sugar Bear and Mama June have separated. If they aren’t together, then love isn’t real.

I need to make a delicious and hilariously suggestive dessert.

This one sounds enough like me that I have a hard time believing it was pieced together by a machine on the Internet.

But it’s odd I wasn’t born an Italian heiress.

I think this to myself on a daily basis. I consider myself an heiress, mind you, but wouldn’t it be better to be an Italian one?

Have snuck into these twerking lessons.

I would never sneak into a twerking lesson. I would gladly pay money and proudly attend the classes. I’ve long attempted to twerk, but I’m just not successful. I need these lessons.

*PARIS APARTMENT, PARIS APARTMENT, PARIS APARTMENT, PARIS APARTMENT*

Another thing that’s always one my mind.

He’s getting ready to blossom again.

This sounds like something rather complimentary about a bipolar man. Perhaps this person goes through phases where he blossoms beautifully like a flower.

Sadly I was bitching about bees.

I would never bitch about bees. I love bees.

So do you eat plums?

This is my version of, “Do you even lift, bro?”

I need to find sourdough bread and Baby Blue.

I would love some sourdough bread. AND, when you get close to Baby Blue, you get close to our queen, Beyoncé.

If a sharknado happens while I’m out here, I’m not twerking with Miley again.

This is an odd and rather specific threat.

We’ll have to forget my last night in LA.

This could either be the beginning of a sad novella about a failed romance in Los Angeles or a discussion of a shameful evening of the partying.

Seriously contemplating getting off the computer tonight.

This is just ridiculous.

Have you ever accidentally sprayed furniture polish in your best Cher voice?

Well? Have you?

Who’s going to enjoy me in bed with a half hour in San Francisco? Cool!

Oh dear.

My valet just brought my little bottles of emergency liquor.

He’d surely get a tip.

Sipping a bellini, watching JOYFUL NOISE!

This would be my dream evening.

I feel bad about eating an infant. Kidding, I totally did!

I’m a vegetarian, so I would absolutely not eat an infant.

They should be obsessed with nectarines.

Another stone fruit based threat.

I feel like a fun thing to be purchased!

That makes me a prostitute?

I feel like three well-known male models.

Actually true.

Feed me all the food in the Chateau Marmont.

YES! I freaking love the restaurant at the Chateau. One of my favorite spots in LA.

Miley Cyrus, I love trains!

I’m not sure why I’d ever have an enthusiastic chat about trains with Miley.

You can sell me cocaine on Robertson Boulevard.

No you can’t.

Just went hiking today because I’m white.

Excuse me?

Shirred eggs cooked in roasted tomatoes are supposedly very nice.

And they absolutely are.

Think what I’ve done for the mentally unstable tonight!

I sound like a vigilante for mental health rights.

We hit the bar to refill my water bottle.

I hope we refilled it with peach margaritas.

I’m at home, which is Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ eyebrows.

I do not live in Jonathan’s eyebrows. But I probably could; they’re huge.

I’ve arrived and I need to look nothing like him!

Sounds like a dramatic party.

I have to try TO kill people behind me.

I often feel this way on public transport.

Now Zac Efron and I have a great idea.

And it was to marry each other.

Back home, invalids!

This is what I say walking though the Iowa State Fair.

The fireflies are complaining about this Zendaya.

They don’t appreciate her music.

How does one wear a harness and leash?

Asking for a friend…

Just paid off a hat.

Must be a very expensive hat.

Now Zac Efron, this is one of their more sensitive regions.

An odd lesson for me to give Zac.

You’re a DVD copy.

This sounds like it could be a rather rude insult.

I have a student who was hit by a train.

Not that I know of.

I have a huge Jewish area.

*giggle*

Sometimes, I’m alarmed at huevos rancheros.

They’re not always delicious.

Home Depot took all my pants today.

I wonder why?

I have abs of steel.

Clearly nothing I’ve ever said. I’ve abs of doughnuts.

I have a bad idea, it was fantastic.

This could be the title of my future autobiography.

Tried spending less money today, but found reasonably priced studded shoes.

I would believe I said this.

Well, this was a stupid post, but it made me laugh.

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