Monday:

Why don’t you write Lady Gaga a congratulatory letter for her performance at the Academy Awards? I’m still shaken by how good it was. When you’ve finished that, you can write me a thank-you note for inspiring her. I have been telling people for years (YEARS!) that she needed to release an acoustic or a jazz album. Then Cheek to Cheek comes out? I don’t see that as being a coincidence. Hollywood is always stealing my ideas…looking at you, Ryan Murphy.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you start your day with a glass of juice called a morning tonic? When I lived in Paris, I became borderline obsessed with the stuff. It is a tart blend of oranges, grapefruit, and lemon; it gets you going faster than a cup of coffee. I have taken to juicing a glass of it on the weekends. I don’t have time during the work week. Well, I have time, it’s just that I can’t be bothered to leave the comfort of my bed until I barely have enough time to figure out my hair and run out the door. I guess what I’m saying is buy a juicer.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you design and order the urn for your cremated remains? I know that most of our culture likes to brush death under a rug and pretend nothing is going to happen, but I’ve never been ignorant of the limited time I have on earth. Why not enjoy your urn whilst alive? I want one with a marble base and the urn made of Limoges porcelain. There will be fine gold work and a small compartment for a mummified finger — something odd for the future and a retainer of my DNA. Put flowers in it until you croak.

Thursday:

Why don’t you spend a joyous evening watching every episode of the podcast In Bed With Joan? This is a masterclass in comedy hosted by my dearly departed Joan Rivers that is uproariously hilarious and oftentimes incredibly inappropriate. It’s hard not to choke on a giggle when Joan is throwing out jokes off the cuff. It’s a wonderful way to remember one of the greatest icons of American comedy. I miss her.

Friday:

Why don’t you make plans to accomplish one of your long range goals, maybe off one of those bucket list things? A little while ago, I decided that I should visit every continent before I turn thirty. That gives me a little over four years, and I’ve only been to three. I think I can probably manage this, but I am absolutely dreading my trip to Antarctica. It’ll be so cold. I am not at all about the cold. I don’t like being in weather that is under 80. At least they have penguins.