Monday:

Why don’t you get a chic glass-front refrigerator or wine cooler and fill it to bursting with champagne? There’s never a bad time to indulge in champagne. I’d have to get several cases imported from Harvey Nichols in London. They have my favorite. (Do you ever say something so pretentious that you can hardly believe you’re that person? Oh well. I’ve had a weird life.) Champagne is absolutely delicious and so elegant and so marvelous when you add peach liquor. Drink up, readers.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you have a sculpture carved of yourself, in the Grecian manner with a robe or nude or whatever you fancy, and stick it in your garden? Wouldn’t that be a lovely thing to shock your neighbors with? And what a conversation starter for your garden parties! It’s just the perfect accessory to boxwoods and gently bubbling fountains. Go get sculpted, reader.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you have a crown made and embellished with as many jewels as you can afford? I’d wear a crown out in public, wouldn’t you? It’d be regal and elegant and would certainly fetch many admiring looks from passersby on the street. Then again, if you’re wearing a crown, you’d better get an Uber and stay away from the riffraff. Of course, you can always get a crown made with costume jewelry, which will be every bit as elegant, and you needn’t worried about getting jacked for your bling in a side alley. Don’t go into side alleys, reader.

Thursday:

Why don’t you open a savings account to collect money to purchase an apartment in a city you love for your retirement? I’m currently investigating property in Luxor, where I’d like to spend the winter months of my retirement. I need: a Nile view and hopefully a view on Luxor Temple, but I’ll settle for just the Nile view, at least two bedrooms, a full kitchen, and a balcony. I can’t wait to get it and redo everything — I can’t say that modern Egyptians share my design aesthetic. They’re fond of gloss and bright colors and lots of velvety furniture. I’ll have eau de nile walls and white marble floors. AGH. I want it now!

Friday:

Why don’t you throw away all of your socks and buy new ones? I think the ultimate luxury in life would be, aside from waking up with a mimosa each day, would be having a new pair of socks to put on. Wouldn’t it be nice to have your feet swaddled in new fabric, perfectly plush and comfortable in your shined shoes? When I’m in my comfortable Luxor villa, I fully intend to have my staff prepare me a mimosa, but also bring in my socks. I love socks.