Monday:

Why don’t you start a ghastly rumor about your house so that your neighbors and their squawking children stop being so friendly? I live in the country for a reason! I don’t want to mingle with people who I have a bitter resentment for. The next time they come over, I’ll say that a serial killer used to live here, or a family committed suicide, or there is a ghost, or a vampire. Something to spook them off.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you do everything in your power to attend the 2016 Met Gala? One of my lifelong dreams is to attend this star-studded event and bask in the glow of such radiant celebrities. I need to either: A) become a celebrity in my own right, B) become a fashion star, C) become a prestigious member of the Metropolitan, or D) befriend Anna Wintour. All four of these choices sounds delightful. Someday I will be there in an indigo tuxedo. No, an oxblood one. No, a gold one! I can’t decide. Just let me go!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you pick a room of your house and decorate it in black? Honestly, I’ve never been in a completely black room, but I have this fantasy of a black jewel-box of a room with white and eau de nil accents and an Impressionist painting on the wall. It’d be like an Art Deco haven. (When work gets out, I will have a month before my summer travels, so I’d like to get a few projects around the house done. Kitchen cabinets first, since I’ve put them off for about a year, but then I think I’m going to attack the parlor. It is just not right. It’s the first room I ever redesigned, and looking back on it now, it’s clear to me that it was a just a mishmash of all my design dreams. The ceiling is silver, reader. Enough said. I think in my black room that the ceiling will be dramatically white with a new chandelier. I have an antique light fixture, but it’s not right. The room is just wrong! AH, I want to start now!) Design, remodel, inspire yourselves readers!

Thursday:

Why don’t you write some letters of complaint that you have been putting off? This is a great hobby with my sister and myself. Whenever we get poor service or something goes wrong, somebody gets a letter. Usually they respond with a coupon or a gift code and a groveling apology, so it’s well worth it. Get to angry typing, readers.

Friday:

Why don’t you teach yourself how to read, write, and speak Latin? It might not be very helpful in your life, but with my range of interests, I’ve often been upset that I can’t decipher that ancient language. I was amazingly saddened at the Library of Congress a few months ago when I was perusing Thomas Jefferson’s library and couldn’t read the beautiful old books. I wonder if there’s an online class for this?