Why Don’t You? #83



Why don’t your take a trip to Colombia, visit a coffee plantation, and then have a custom blend created? Invite your friends over and after they gush over how full-bodied and delicious your coffee is, casually chat about the farmers you’ve met and how much you adore South America. They won’t say anything about how extraordinary your life is because your friends have manners and because they’re accustomed to your eccentricities, but they will envy you.


Why don’t you take all your shoes to the cobbler and have the soles redone? Maybe in a signature color? Maybe get them all in navy blue? Maybe have them all done in glittered gold? Make them fabulous. People will start to recognize you because of your feet. You’ll be a Christian Louboutin in your own life. Be elegant, reader.


Why don’t you slowly develop an accent and drive everybody around you batty? Start slow, just change the way you say your “l’s” or “r’s.” They won’t understand what’s going on for some time, if anything your acquaintances will assume you have a mild cold. Then, add a few more nuances to your speech; toss in a bizarre regional phrase. Eventually transition completely to your new accent and then immediately go back to what you used to know. It’ll be a delight.


Why don’t you buy a dozen Click & Grow hydroponic gardens, line them up on a gorgeous island, and grow all sorts of herbs and flowers to keep you feeling alive during the rapidly approaching winter months? The light from those things is just as beneficial as a happy light, a product that I enjoy but have stopped believing in. Plus, happy lights don’t grow basil, and I need plenty of basil you for my gimlets. The company recently started selling mimosa pudica (sensitive plants) and I lost my shit. I need to turn one of my rooms into an indoor greenhouse. Maybe that one filled with refuse in the basement? That would be a dream.


Why don’t you invent a carbonating device for turning moderately priced white wine into champagne? Of course this isn’t what champagne is; I’m no idiot, but it’d be nice. I thought about putting wine in my Soda Stream bottle, and I may try it still, but I worry that it will explode and I’ll die or something. I have no interest in dying; my interests are mainly about drinking champagne. Think of the great change this device would bring to humanity. Invent, reader!

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