Monday:

Why don’t you teach yourself how to make a variety of breads? People are easily impressed by bread, but it’s the easiest thing in the world. A beautiful boule takes about ten minutes of your time, only a day of waiting, and little effort. It turns out stunning and delicious even when your royally screw it up. And when you post an enviable picture onto Instagram, people will be drooling. Make sure to hashtag it up.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you pick a unique culture and cook their most celebrated dishes for Thanksgiving? Turkey (the bird, not the nation) is awful, gravy is the pits, and cranberry sauce is only good when it’s cranberry juice mixed with vodka. It’d be so much nicer to celebrate with an Indian feast or gorgeous Cornish pasties or Egyptian street food, wouldn’t it? The desserts will be divine and your family and friends will enjoy your unique perspective on world culture.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you linger around fashion schools and befriend the most promising students? They’ll design gorgeous outfits for you and invite your to fashion shows. This won’t be thrilling at first, but keep at it. Eventually they will be hired by a fashion house in Paris or London and you’ll be invited to much more glamorous shows, you’ll visit your best friend on the set while they’re shooting famous models and celebrities for ad campaigns, and you’ll at least get a heavy discount on two thousand dollar shoes. Really, reader, invest in the youth of today for they bring the gifts of tomorrow.

Thursday:

Why don’t you start saving some money for a runaway fund? When you’ve finally had enough of the doldrums of your tedious existence, you’ll have enough cash to live for a year in Thailand or a dusty village outside of Luxor. It’ll be wonderful to hide away for a year in a place where you can live comfortably without needing to work. I’d like to live in Egypt or as a Transylvanian hay farmer. That’s my dream. Picture me with a hay rake, peasant clothes, and a smile. It’d be a blessing. When I ran away this summer, I’ve never had more fun.

Friday:

Why don’t you give up on dieting and embrace the lumpier version of yourself for the season? I’m all for going on long walks in the summertime, especially through Medieval villages, along the sea, or a good hike through the mountains — all of which I did this summer. But, when the season changes, I have no interest in going out in the cold, complaining about the damp, or bothering with a well-cut coat. I just want to eat fourteen egg salad sandwiches and contemplate the meaning of life until spring comes again. I need to buy new pants.