Why Don’t You? #89



Why don’t you get a subtle tattoo of the Parisian Métro on your arm? It’ll be convenient when you’re trying to get to the Jardin du Luxembourg from the Musée Fragonard d’Alfort when your phone has died. Just check your bicep! That’s the epitome of convenience. And think of the lost passengers you can help. And think of how delightful your tattoo will look and all the conversations it’ll prompt. Get any tattoo. I love them.


Why don’t you spend the day in a local art museum moodily staring at one of the less interesting paintings? When I have free time, and I’m in Europe somewhere, this is one of my favorite things to do. It isn’t about appreciating the artistic merit of the artist or their subtle brushstrokes, it’s about watching the people who gather around me and stare moodily at the same painting thinking that it’s more significant than it is. I used to photograph this painting of a bloody battle at the Louvre that nobody payed much attention to. You should have seen the crowds jostling me out of the way. Such fun.


Why don’t you make a small museum in your house of your collections? It’s ever so nice to sit and pursue your treasures. My gym is no longer a gym, instead it is quickly becoming a well-stocked Egyptological library. It’s amazing what you can find on Amazon for pennies when people are done with their books. It’s no concern of mine to own a used book as long as it is decent condition. So put together your own in-house museum, whether it be salt and pepper shakers or Royal Dolton porcelain. It’s fun.


Why don’t your check yourself into a convent or a monastery for a mental reprieve? I long to get away, crave it actually, and I don’t think it’s too distant from now before I find myself at the New Mallery convent. This utterly overwhelming feeling comes over me a few times a year, triggered by a change, a mental shock, or just a great need for rest. I have never given in, always claiming that I had other more responsible things to do with my time. But I’m getting to the point where I realize that I might just crack. Sometimes little things pile up and weigh a lot.


Why don’t you build a few voodoo dolls of your enemies and have a rollicking good time sticking them with pins and shit? I’m in the mood to get my frustrations out on corn husk dolls. That read weirdly, but you know what I mean. Make an effigy of that bitch you hate the most and destroy their lives through the power of magic.

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