Ah, once again the calendar flies by and it’s time once more for Christmas, and Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, and all those wonderful holidays that require me being the lucky recipient of gifts. Truly, I love to give things, and it’s a heartwarming sensation when you find a gift that is

but it can be hard sometimes. So, to help you in this time of crisis, I have made for y’all a well-edited wish list of eleven items that I would treasure if you gave them to me. I’ll cry and everything. Promise. (Eleven, because I was born on the eleventh of August, and that is a quality number.)

1. Vetiver Vert Cologne by Czech & Speake £90 [Link]

I ask for this every year, but nobody ever buys it for me. This is my all time favorite after Pour Monsieur by Chanel, my signature fragrance. It’s heady and rich and makes me feel like an eccentric millionaire. I had a sample of it that I milked for about half a year. I meant to buy a bottle when I was in Europe this summer, but I was too distracted by wandering around Nice and getting a tan. I’d appreciate smelling fabulous. Thank you in advance.

2. Saint Laurent Boots $895 [Link]

I have been obsessed with these Saint Laurent Jodhpur boots since I saw Harry Styles wearing them everywhere. Once my eye was trained to look for them, it turns out that these are the shoes that literally EVERYBODY wears in Hollywood. I don’t know how many pairs I saw this summer in WeHo. Even the people who can’t afford these boots wear them. They go with absolutely everything and look like a million bucks. But they don’t cost a million bucks, so that’s a great relief. In all honesty, if I don’t get these I’m going to get them for myself. Nothing is booked for Spring Break, yet, so I might hop on the train to LA and get a pair. Worth it. I’ve gone to London for shoes before, so this isn’t really peculiar. Size 11.5. Thanks!

3. Marble Bust $?

I get loads of interior design magazines delivered each month, and without fail, some gorgeous house has a marble bust sitting on a shelf or a desk or a stand. I want one desperately, but they are difficult to come by. I suppose that’s because I’m in the middle of the Midwest and they aren’t readily available, but I have a hard time finding them online, too. I wonder if it’s because they’re so damned heavy? I was absolutely obsessed with this one in the picture that I found in Nice for only €45. It was far too heavy to ship home and way too bulky to carry on, so I left it behind. I think about that a lot. I would appreciate this one or any marble bust. If you want to get me this gorgeous antique, you can contact L’Insolite at their website!

4. Apple Pencil $99 [Link]

I’m planning to buy an iPad Pro to use for the next semester of classes. I’m obsessed with digital textbooks, and I don’t think the iPad I’ve had for the past five years is much longer for the world. It’s so slow. I can barely read my French gossip magazines anymore, and that’s a real problem. So I’m upgrading. I do an incredible amount of handwriting; I find that I can write more creatively and productively when I write things out by hand, so that’s how I do the majority of my novel work. I’m thrilled at the idea of handwriting on the iPad, and this is needed for that. Support my future creative endeavors.

5. Beautifully Framed Poster/Playbill $?

Because we have spoken and shaken hands, my childhood hero, Angela Lansbury, and I are inseparable best friends. That’s just how things work in my mind. Earlier this year, when I was in Washington DC, I saw her in Blithe Spirit, and I lost what was left of my mind when I met her. I wept for miles down the length of Michigan Avenue. It was probably one of the most important days of my life. I bought a poster from the play, and she signed the Playbill from the performance. These are now some of my most cherished possessions, but I haven’t had them mounted in a frame. I’m thinking something gorgeous with a wide matte and a black frame — not bevelled, please — with the poster, the playbill, and the photo of her I took where she looks like a queen. This one:

Thank you.

6. Wall Bracket for Bathroom Theater $19.99 [Link]

When I found myself in possession of another flatscreen television, I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with it, but then genius struck. I remembered the apartment I rented in Washington DC that had a television behind the mirror of the vanity. I thought that was the dumbest thing in the world, and I loved it. So, I decided to hang my new television over the bathtub and enjoy soaking with an episode of Murder, She Wrote. It was a genius idea, but I still haven’t gotten around to hanging the thing. When I went to Walmart to pick up a bracket, they were sold out. So now it sits in there, rather inelegantly waiting to be done right. Last night I deep conditioned my hair and watched the new Dolly Parton movie. I was living my best life.

7. Louis Vuitton iPhone 6+ Case $330 [Link]

At Disneyland this summer, just before bumping into Kris Jenner for the second time, I saw an incredibly annoying young woman with this case. I was in love from the moment I saw it. One of my bucket list purchases is a Louis Vuitton bag for my travels, and this instantly became a necessary addition to my life. I meant to buy one in Paris this summer because they’re about a hundred dollars cheaper in France, but I wasn’t sure I would like a folio case. So I bought a cheaper one that I truly adore, but this one still calls to me. Make my heart sing a song of joy. (Brown monogram with brown interior, please.)

8. Tom Daley 2016 Calendar $15 [Link]

This is another gift I always have to get myself. And I will probably have to do so again. Le sigh… I need this in addition to my yearly One Direction calendar for the refrigerator. No Zayn, please. I don’t need to be reminded of that heartbreak on a daily basis.

9. Black & Gold Alligator Leather Apple Watch Band $?

I’m hella stressed out about my Apple Watch. I finally love the thing more than I ever thought I would, but because I bought a golden one, I can’t find any matching bands to go with it. I didn’t think this would be so difficult! Steve Jobs, were he still alive, never would have stood for this. You can buy all sorts of bands at the Apple Store, but the metal clasps and connectors don’t match. WHAT KIND OF WINDOWS SHIT IS THIS? I’m so mad. So, I’ve been searching the Internet like a lunatic to get what I want. I’ve still not succeeded. I fear we’ll find life on Mars before I find my dream watch band. I found the strap above that I like, and these connectors that will match

but the buckle on the back will still be silver. UGH. Maybe you’ll have better luck?

10. AirBNB Gift Card $10,000,000,000+ [Link]

AirBNB is one of the greatest companies that has ever been conceived. There is nothing better than visiting a strange city and staying where the real people do. You get such a better glimpse of the culture, and it’s so much more affordable than staying in a hotel. I love a hotel, but if I’m going someplace for a week or a month or three, it’ll be an AirBNB. I still drool at the one I had in Turin. It was the best with that balcony and the afternoon light flooding in. I miss it. I’ll be going somewhere over the summer break, so one of these gift cards would be a blessing.

11. Legally Sourced Ancient Egyptian Antiquities $? [Link]

Ancient Egypt is the true passion of my life. I will return to the Sahara sand a million more times before I die, and I will spend the intervening years in study. There’s more than enough material waiting to be processed that I would need a hundred lives to begin to sift through it all. That’s the wonderful thing about Egyptology. You’ll never find it all. There’s always a mystery waiting to be solved. I have put together an Egyptological library in my home, and I’m looking to find things other than books to fill it with. I need ancient artifacts that are legally sourced and are not supporting terrorist regimes in the Middle East. Not easy to come by, but I believe in you.

***

Thanks in advance, dear reader! I always send thank you notes.