LOVE:

Easily Changed iOS Keyboards:

We are so spoiled by the future. We don’t even realize it anymore. I remember being in high school in the computer lab — remember those? — learning about French culture on a machine that barely ran Windows XP — remember that? It was a hideous time of weak processors, blurry screens, and Flash. I cringe thinking about a world without my iPad Pro, my Apple Watch, my iPhone Plus, or my MacBook Pro. Or my Apple TVs. Yes plural, reader. My house is very futuristic. I’d be dead without Apple. They changed my life. Anyway, one of the features that I love most and never knew how blessed it made me was the fact that you can easily switch the keyboards on the iPhone and iPad. If I’m writing in French, I click a button and the machine is thinking in the same language as me. When I need to do some work in German, I hit the button again. It’s genius. And it autocorrects! And that might be awful, but it works. I never could have dreamed this magic up back in high school, and that really wasn’t all that long ago. We didn’t have French keyboards in class, we only had a blurry photocopy of the shortcuts that we could type to get an accent. How primitive. It was like living in the dark ages. Bless the future.

Walmart Flowers:

I have really gotten into treating myself. There’s no better feeling than buying yourself presents on a regular basis. I pick up things on Amazon — strange, wonderful things (I have a rice cooker on the way from Japan!) — and I also get marvelous things at Walmart or Target or wherever I’m shopping. (I think I’ll treat myself at PetSmart next!) Lately, I have gotten into buying myself affordable Walmart bouquets and arranging them myself. They look a bit lackluster in their original condition; the leaves are damaged, a couple blooms need refreshed, and there is just no real appeal. But when you buy a couple bouquets and trim up the stems and fill up a vase, those cheap flowers utterly transform. I bought roses last week, which I never ever do, but these have opened up spectacularly. All for $5. Walmart is a wonderful place. I can’t recommend going enough. Fill up every room with flowers. Have a bouquet in your bathroom. Have one by the kitchen sink. Be like me and put a bouquet by the bed. As I mentioned in my other blog series, there is nothing quite so luxurious as waking up to a beautiful bouquet of blooms with gentle music rousing you into consciousness. Then, once your eyes are open, you can slap on your light treatment therapy goggles and get ready for your day. Look, my mornings are weird  I get that. But it’s so nice to live like a celebrity. I endorse that lifestyle completely. Go buy some flowers. Pretend you live in the Chateau Marmont like me. (If only…)

Cheap Walmart Coffee:

The French Roast variety is bae.

I guess I’m all about Walmart this week. I have nothing against that place like some people do. I don’t understand all their angst about affordable merchandise. They’re only going to stock what we demand anyway, so if we request more organic fruits and vegetables, they will surely move away from GMOs. If we want more American made stuff, we will get it if we want it. But I’m not going to go off on a tangent because I sometimes sound a bit conservative, and that stresses me out. I just love shopping. I was treating myself something fierce at Walmart last week, and I found a bin full of Keurig pods for $1. They were boxes of three of the Walmart brand, so I grabbed the French Roast. I have a great fondness for cheap coffee. Like I mentioned ages ago, I would rather have a cruddy cup of Waffle House coffee than some $10 latte. The crap just tastes marvelous! So, I was sure that this $1 box of coffee was going to be amazing. I was totally correct! It’s delicious. I went through three pods in one day. I need to stock up on this variety for work. I have a Keurig machine at home, but I drink mainly espresso there. Here at work, I drink espresso and big old cups of coffee. I will drink anything caffeinated to stay conscious. I can’t wait to fill up a cart with Walmart French Roast!

Chiropractic Care:

I’ve never looked so thin!

If you continue reading this week’s blog, you will get the pleasure of hearing all about my numb leg. It’s been very frustrating, and my symptoms are compounding. I’ve had a migraine the past two days, there has been a strange halo wavering around my eyeballs, I feel weak, and I was literally a thousand degrees this morning. I was sure death was near. I was pretty upset that I didn’t have my Limoges porcelain urn with the hieroglyphic inscription at the ready. I was also distraught that I wouldn’t die in Paris. I would be so annoyed to die anywhere other than Paris and even more irritated if I’m not interred in Père Lachaise. I can’t end up in some boring graveyard. So, in a panic, and eager for a good story, I dashed out of work and hurried to the chiropractor. It was not as terrifying as I expected. The doctor was very nice and we laughed about how out of line my spine was. I was just chuckling because I was dead inside. It was cool to see my skeleton, though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my bones. Isn’t it strange to think about a skeleton living inside of you? Maybe that’s just me. MANDATORY DANCE INTERLUDE:

After my X-rays, he started cracking me up…my bones, not jokes…and that was a bit intense. He popped me in places I didn’t know could be popped. As I stood up, I felt a bit better. Not like a LOT better, but this is apparently a process. I go again after work. I mean it would’ve been cool to be perfectly in shape again, but this will do. Go get your bones cracker, dear reader.

HATE:

My Numb Leg:

This is the condition i’ve diagnosed myself with. Also known as “Skinny Jean Syndrome.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m sure you all know how opposed I am to exercise. It’s dangerous. You could get hurt. You could even die. I’ve never really been greatly injured until recently. You see, dear reader, I decided that it was going to be a good idea to do squats. So I did plenty. Now, squats are one of the few exercises that I truly don’t mind. Like walking, I could squat until the end of times. I could get a gold medal in squatting without even training. It’s just a gift, I suppose. So, I did a bunch of squats. Then I did yoga. Then I did that demonic ab roller device that I regret purchasing. Then I went for a walk. Look, I was having a mental crisis about body image. So, thoroughly exhausted, I cleaned up and went to bed. The next morning, I could literally not get up. I’m not making a joke, I couldn’t get out of bed. Whenever I turned, my abdominal muscles shuddered and spasmed and refused to cooperate. Somehow, I managed to roll out of the bed. I crawled to my office and got dressed for the day in my beloved $3.49 black jeans from Forever 21. As the day progressed, I realized that I could not feel my right thigh. It was as if it was asleep. I assumed this was just a fashion pain and that when I took the pants off in exchange for a flowing robe at home, sensation would be restored. Lol nope. I haven’t had full feeling in my thigh for about two weeks now. It’s strange, and I’m going to have to get it looked at. The internet tells me that I have diabetes, cancer, a thyroid disorder, and ghost limb syndrome. I think I probably have a pinched nerve, but STILL! What if they have to remove my leg? I would hate having only one leg. That would be embarrassing come speedo season. But…if they give me an artificial android leg, will it be light? Will this be how I miraculously lose twenty pounds, or however much my leg weighs? It’s an attractive leg, and I’d be sad to see it go. They’re one of my body parts that I’m not at all ashamed to show off. Alas, my cyborg leg might be cute, too. We live in the future after all.