Monday:

Why don’t you start pretending you are the star of a reality series? I find that I emulate Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and the Kardashians a lot. Not the vocal fry but mentally. I long ago came to the conclusion that they have it all figured out. They have fun, act ridiculous, and get paid. So now I buy myself flowers constantly, I think about lip injections a lot, I wonder about eating avocado pudding, I dream of having somebody do my hair every day, and I imagine that my home is in Beverly Hills. Imagination can do wonderful things. I think I’m happier this way.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you get up at one o’clock in the morning and go about your business once a week? I’m doing that today. Not really sure why I woke up from where I passed out, but at least it was a soft location. I’ve woken up on the floor many times, so this was an improvement. Anyway, I took a luxurious bath and exfoliated every square inch of my body, I styled my hair for like thirty minutes — ten times more than usual — I thought about doing yoga, I read a chunk of a book, I ate breakfast, I watched television, I did a rejuvenating light therapy treatment, and I went to the grocery store all before work. It’s been a day already.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you pick a topic and then buy every used book available on Amazon? It’s so nice to have a library. You have to dust your books once in a while, but there is nothing really so elegant as a pile of century-year-old tomes on Egyptology or Dutch flower paintings. I’m obsessed with Dutch still life. There’s nothing like cascades of realistic blooms sitting next to a skull on a velvet covered table. Anyway, it’s a lot of fun to come home to a heavy box full of antique books. Everybody will think you’re even more cultured!

Thursday:

Why don’t you adopt an animal with fur that matches the color of the clothing you wear so that you can’t tell when you’re covered in hair? You can roll it all off, of course, but that takes so much time. I wear mainly black. I think I personally keep the lint roller business in operation. It’d be nice if I only owned black cats, but my heart called me to gray and brown ones. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But, maybe my soul will tell me to get a black cat next time. That might be fun. I’ll call him or her Jeepers Creepers.

Friday:

Why don’t you go to the chiropractor and get all of your bones cracked? I went for the first time yesterday, and I could not be more sore. It was really rather exciting. I thought I was going to die as the doctor twisted and stretched me. I was stressed but super excited for an adventurous story. It’s not that adventurous, I guess, but it was pretty exciting. I ache all over, and it turns out my spine is hella twisted. Not like scoliosis twisted, but ouch. Go get poked. It’s fun. I’m thinking of acupuncture next.