Monday:

Why don’t you settle your funeral plans now since you never know when you might die? Especially these days. I was thinking a lot about the urn I want while on my walk. It’s made of gorgeous Limoges porcelain, there are gold embellishments, it sits on a thick white marble base with my name engraved in it with a handsome font, the back of the urn will have my portrait done in the style of Jean Cocteau’s chapel in Villefranche, and the front will have the hieroglyphic inscription from the lotus chalice found in Tutankhamen’s tomb: “May your ka live, may you spend millions of years, you who love Thebes, sitting with your face to the north wind, your eyes beholding happiness.” If I don’t manage this before I croak, see to it, dear and beloved reader.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you put marble contact paper on literally everything you own? Everything looks better with marble, even if it’s just an imitation. If you’re really good with it, you can smooth it over counters, cupboards, and mantelpieces and imitate the look of Carrara marble for 1/1,000,000 of the price. I wish I had a mantle… Anyway, I used to have this house and I put granite contact paper over all the hideous old linoleum. It was shockingly elegant. Be frugal, but always remain chic.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you go to a restaurant supply store and replace everything in your kitchen? It’s nice to have expensive pans from Williams-Sonoma; I get that, but it’s also nice to have stuff that costs a pittance and works just as well. I have several sheet pans that cost next to nothing that are comparable to Martha Stewart ones from Macy’s. In addition, you feel a bit like you are a professional with restaurant quality pots sitting on the stove top. I always feel like I’m emulating Ina Garten, popping the collar of my chambray top, and giggling while I make classic French food with a modern twist whenever I use my sheet pans. Feel that way every day, reader.

Thursday:

Why don’t you treat yourself to a little luxury each week? As mentioned last week, I buy a bizarrely cheap $5 bouquet of flowers at Walmart every Wednesday. Then, I add my new flowers to last weeks if they’re still holding up. It’s gorgeous, but I have gotten into the habit of treating myself to $20-$30 of whatever I see. My favorite place to treat myself is in the clearance aisle. This week I bought: volumizing grapefruit mousse, a futuristic light therapy mask, Chapstick, a gorgeous soapstone incense burner, and delightful lavender incense sticks, I bought a few other things, too, and it was just marvelous. Treat yourself, reader!

Friday:

Why don’t you try a new diet for fun? Really interesting people are always experimenting with their eating habits. I mean, haven’t you ever picked up a copy of a gossip magazine to see what the stars are eating? I do every time I check out at the grocery store. Maybe if I eat like Madonna, I will have arms like her? I don’t and won’t, of course. Anyway, I’m on an intermittent fasting diet for this month. I can only eat from noon until eight. I don’t feel any different, but I feel like I’m focused on my health. (I think I’m fatter actually.) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯