Monday:

Why don’t you make perfectly clear ice cubes with boiling hot water? It may sound counterintuitive, but this is the only way to make ice. I was sick to death of cloudy ice in my gin and tonics, so I took to the Internet to find out how to get perfect, glassy cubes. I boiled water, filled up my giant ice molds, and put it in the freezer with a scoff. How could that possibly work? But reader, they are flawless. I feel even more elegant than usual. That’s saying something, like I’m at the Chateau Marmont beside the pool. That’s living.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you plan a trip to some exotic location nobody you know has ever been? I’m currently obsessed with the idea of visiting Cuba. All the celebrities are going now that it’s finally open to US tourism and I want in on the action before it becomes too commercialized and gentrified. I want the old Spanish buildings and 1950s cars. I don’t want an Uber and a Hilton hotel — and coming from me that is a remarkable phrase. I have to get to that little island, but the prices are currently prohibitive. I’ll find a way. I always do.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you make your own facial scrubs out of espresso grounds and cold pressed coconut oil? These are a million times cheaper than the chemical filled stuff in the shops, and you feel much better slathering it on your face. Plus, you smell like a tropical coffee shop, and how bad could that be? I don’t have an exact recipe. I just wing it. I mix a used puck of espresso grounds, a generous dollop of softened coconut oil, a scant teaspoon of baking soda, and a drizzle of local honey until smooth. Then I scrub my face with it and use it as a mask for awhile. When I rinse it off, my skin feels refreshed and soft, and it can’t have cost much of anything. Besides, there wasn’t any unnecessary fragrance or acid. It was wholly edible. That’s important reader. If you wouldn’t eat it, don’t get it near your body.

Thursday:

Why don’t you throw your wrinkled clothing into the dryer with a handful of ice cubes and steam them into perfectly crisp miracles? This is hardly a new tip, but I always forget to do it the night before work. I could easily do it in the mornings, but I barely give myself enough time to brush my teeth most days before flying out the door. I should. A person is much more comfortable and confident in a wrinkle-free shirt. It denotes a sense of respectability and togetherness that a wrinkle could never imply. And I just really dislike ironing — I always burn my fingertips. Ice, readers!

Friday:

Why don’t you reevaluate some of your dreams and goals? I’m in a black frame of mind, and it’s really effing me up. I still have this mystery disease. It’s obviously something, but the answers aren’t forthcoming as quickly as I want them to be. And so, I suffer with symptoms that are freaking me out. I might never climb Mount Everest, reader, and I cried about that a whole bunch today. I don’t even really want to climb a mountain. I don’t like the cold. But just knowing that I might not be able to is literally the worst thing in the world. So, pick some manageable goals and go do them before your body tells you no.