Why Don’t You? #132



Why don’t you tell me how I can get medical equipment as a tax deduction for my Multiple Sclerosis? When I walk, I feel better, but I can’t walk in winter. I need a treadmill. I feel fabulous when the tension in my back is massaged. I need a shiatsu chair. I feel marvelous when my body temperature rises. I need a hot tub. I need all of this for my health, reader. For real. Do you get a prescription? Do you fill out some tax form? I need help for my disease that goes beyond a pill. Help me. Cheers, thanks a lot.


Why don’t you put fresh flowers in every room? I know quite well that I have suggested this several times in the past, but I just bought the loveliest purple carnations at Walmart, and I’m so in love with them. Walmart has extraordinarily nice flowers for less than five dollars. It is so cheery to wake up and see blooms and blossoms beside your alarm, then  go into your office and see flowers, and then to go make espresso and see a bouquet. Put flowers everywhere. I’m obsessed.


Why don’t you have your DNA analyzed and find out who you really are? I just got my results back from the fabulous company, 23 and Me, and I now know more about what’s going on inside of me. Did you know, dear and darling reader, that my DNA is nearly 4% similar to Neanderthals? Embarrassing I know. But I’m also hella Scandinavian and French and German. But to my utter delight, traces of North African heritage were found sequenced in my genome. This is too fabulous! I’m ecstatic. I need a celebration for my newly discovered genetic heritages. Life is too short to not know what you’re composed of!


Why don’t you indulge in something you really enjoy once in a while? Most of our guilty pleasures are awful for us, and that’s why we feel bad about them. But if we don’t give into pleasure once in a while, then what’s the point of living at all? This weekend I fully plan to make copious amounts of French fries and then wash them down with a bottle of champagne. I’ll wear one of my robes and watch reality television and cackle the day away. I can’t wait. Live your best lives!


Why don’t you have your blood drawn and tested for vitamin deficiencies? Each of us has a very different diet, and we don’t always think about whether or not we are getting the requisite vitamins and minerals. I certainly wasn’t paying any attention. I thought a vegetarian diet was fine, but I didn’t realize that you need B12 to stay alive. Unless you take a supplement, you can only get this from animal produce. And I eat plenty of eggs and cheese, but it turns out my body literally can’t process B12 for reasons I don’t fully understand, so I had as much B12 as a mummy. Now that I take a massive dose every day, I really do feel better. Go see what you lack, reader. Save your life.

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