Why don’t you go to your favorite cemetery and randomly research one of the people interred there? I think there’s nowhere more interesting than a cemetery, they’re full of fascinating tidbits of information. And is there a better time to go than October? There is a small cemetery near my home that is no longer actively used. It used to be a gorgeous mess, but somebody’s been maintaining it lately. It’s sad to see all the big dead trees cut down, but that has little to do with this post. There is as headstone there of the Whitaker family who all died the same day. It captivates my imagination. Was it a train derailment? An axe murder? A family member gone deranged? I long to know. Research, reader.


Why don’t you do some googling and understand the violent gun epidemic that we are suffering from in America. I don’t want to belabor this, I think you are fully cognisant of my beliefs in gun regulation. (I don’t care if you have rifles and whatnot, just hunt turkeys not people, and there is no valid need for anybody to own a semi or fully automatic weapon. Their existence is absurd.) When we all develop our knowledge over this painful subject, only then will we be able to have a discussion and maybe a resolution someday. I’m so sick of things like this happening.


Why don’t you start a crusade to eradicate Columbus Day? There is no reason that we need to have that name of a horrible man on our calendars. I’m glad this isn’t a big enough deal to get the day off for, but that isn’t enough, we need to erase it from the future. Confederate icons should fall, and so too should Columbus’s erroneous honors. Instead, why don’t we honor the many great Native Americans that existed in this nation before they were ravaged by disease? We could have some kind of Taino or Mayan or Aztec celebration. It’s the definition of stupid insensitivity to celebrate a dumb white man who thought he was on a continent thousands of miles away from what he thought. Columbus was dumb.


Why don’t you be a reasonable adult and take inventory of your financial situation? I live, like a great number of people, in debt. It’s become such a constant part of life that the weight it puts on me is normal. I fantasize and daydream of being in the clear, you know, and having a savings account full of cash and buy shoes without an inward tremor of dread. Someday it might happen. But until then, I’m working on making a budget and trying to stick to it. It might help.


Why don’t you eat a burrito the size of your head? I think I might be the world’s worst vegetarian. I might not eat meat, but my diet had so many deliciously unhealthy things in it that I never lose a pound. I love popcorn and rice and Smarties and cheese and wine. The wine’s not bad, I suppose, as it’s an antioxidant…still, I eat the worst food. Yesterday I had a veggie burrito that was loaded with rice and beans and guacamole and sour cream and it was DIVINE. I was living my best life. Do the same, reader.

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