Monday:

Why don’t you spend a day in complete and absolute silence? There are few things rarer than the blissful glory of utter quiet. All day, every day, we have our eardrums assaulted by a barrage of nonsensical conversations and bother. I would quite like to book a room at the Hilton and sit there all day in solitude. It would be grand; I would order room service, read books and magazines, I would soak in a piping hot tub, and I would be living my true and best life.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you learn how to change a tire? I’ve owned three cars in the last two years, but I have never had a flat tire or any need to know how to change one. Last night, though, I discovered my tire was hella out of air. I read my car’s manual and I watched videos online and then I looked at the tire. And then I looked at it again. Then I said lol and called roadside assistance and a kindly team of gentlemen fixed it for me. Actually, don’t bother learning this basic skill, just get AAA or something.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you stop by ALDI and buy yourself some salted pumpkin seeds and Manchego cheese and then grab some tequila from your favorite liquor store and then sit at home and watch Rachel Maddow and pretend that it’s August and you’re in Mexico City and life is amazing and mysterious and not an endless yet oddly quick march to the grave? It’s been an unpleasant day. The weather needs to warm up, the sun needs to come out, and I need a holiday.

Thursday:

Why don’t you get a gym membership solely for access to unlimited tanning? I recently joined Planet Fitness, reader. (Please hold your laughter…lolz…never mind I’m still cackling. ME? In a GYM? HILARIOUS!) Anyway, I have never been in a tanning bed before, but I am shaken by how amazing it was. I’ve gone twice now. I think I’m tanner, but I’m probably not, but I feel amazing. Tanning is lit. Literally.

Friday:

Why don’t you really process your emotions about a vegetable you were absolutely sure you couldn’t stand? I have mentioned this in the past a dozen times now, but it still gets to me. In my Hello Fresh box was a zucchini. I was DISGUSTED. I hate zucchini. But then I made it according to the instructions and it was really good and I’m just so upset. I feel like my identity is being stripped away. What’s next? Me wanting a cucumber? Let’s hope that horrific day never comes.