Monday:

Why don’t you get to the cinema and see Coco, the new masterpiece by Disney and Pixar? I saw it this weekend and was delighted by the gorgeous animation, the touching story, and the peculiar similarities to a stray dog and my outdoor cat, Duchess. Both have a fondness for filth, walking around with their tongue hanging out, and being lovable beasts. The music was great, the ending nearly made me cry, and I was shockingly repeatedly shook. See it today.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you pick somebody who fascinates you in your personal life and research them? There’s this woman I see every once in a great while, but each time, she leaves such a strange impact on me. There’s nothing particularly interesting about her, but she sparks my curiosity. Why does she use that voice, why does she have that hairstyle, why is she where she is? I may never know, but I did look at every single post on her Facebook. Learned nothing. She’s an enigma.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you make sure you always wash your hands thoroughly after touching chili peppers? I don’t often cook with fresh chilis, but when one came in my Hello Fresh box this week, I must not have been as cautious as I should have been. I washed my hands and everything, but after devouring my delicious meal, I touched my lips and my eyes for some reason, and then it felt as if I was devoured by flames. It was deeply unpleasant. I looked like I had pink eye. Don’t do this, reader.

Thursday:

Why don’t you get a new credit card and use it to get plastic surgery? I’m tired of trying to diet and count calories and walk and blah blah blah. I just want to get knocked out by a skilled surgeon, spend a spell recovering on a beach in Mexico, and then wake up thin and beautiful. I don’t have a metabolism anymore, reader, now that I’m an old man, and I’m tired of being plump. Just cut it out of me.

Friday:

Why don’t you start wearing robes as everyday wear? This ties into my thoughts from yesterday.  I am constantly enamored of Egyptian men wearing their beautiful white robes. The garments are roomy, breathable, and inordinately comfortable. Coming from a society that wears skintight jeans, this is inconceivable for us. I dream of wearing robes and not giving two hoots about my rapidly expanding waistline. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll mention it again and again until the day that I take my own advice.