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Why don’t you buy those fabulous Keurig pods from Starbucks that have twice the amount of caffeine in them? I have long been opposed to these pods, even though I own one of the machines. The coffee is never as good as it is with any other preparation. Whilst at the grocery store the other evening, thrilled to bursting to be getting ready for the weekend, I saw these pods and decided to give them a try. So good. They actually make me feel something. 


Why don’t you skin that stupid psychic groundhog, turn the hide into gloves and shoes, and then give them to me? I am sick to death of winter and I blame the groundhog. My Timehop has been taunting me with images of gardens I’ve been planting at this time in years past. This year I can barely stay out for more than a minute or it will snow or rain or do something else dreadful. The forecast is not letting up either. I just want to go for a walk outside! Is that too much to ask for?? 


Why don’t you paint a self portrait and hang it somewhere pretentious for your guests to look at with befuddlement? It doesn’t matter if the portrait is any good, you can just say you’re exploring modern art or cubism or something. Nobody dares argue with art, after all, it is always entirely valid even if it looks like absolute garbage. That’s why it’s so much fun. If you’re particularly lucky, your mockery of art will one day end up in an art museum or sold at Sotheby’s for an absurd amount of money. 


Why don’t you go back to college just for the tax refund? I never knew there were such delicious options. I opened up my bank account this morning to see an additional $2,500 in my personal account. LIT LIT LIT. I paid off one of my more irksome credit card bills and tucked the rest away for my two months in Mexico City. LIT LIT LIT! I mean college is a tremendous amount of work and time, and I guess I’m currently incurring devastating student loans, but at the moment everything’s grand!


Why don’t you learn how to read Arabic numbers? The Arabic script is so beautiful and I am constantly lusting over a gorgeous watch at the British Museum that uses their numerals instead of the traditional Roman ones. If I didn’t wear an Apple Watch, that one would be strapped to my wrist right now. Apple should make a face like that for their Watch. I would lose my cool. Anyway, it’s such fun to read license plates go by when you’re in Egypt. At least it is for me. Learn something! 

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