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Why don’t you buy property in some obscure town and then create a new identity and live there during the summers and visit on holidays? Anybody with an Internet connection will crack your cover, but don’t give them a reason to look into it. I think it’d be awfully chic to be terribly mysterious. Maybe be known for making award winning pies and giving them away? Maybe be a curmudgeonly old person who always wears a beret for no reason? Maybe part your hair the OTHER way and go by your middle name? Sounds dreamy.


Why don’t you celebrate Day of the Dead? By the time this is posted, though, the holiday is done and over, so get it on your calendars for next year. I think it’s an absolutely gorgeous celebration and I love the idea of celebrating ancestors at their finest. In America, we focus too much on ignoring death or mourning endlessly. I love that on this holiday, you simply remember your grandmother or whoever impacted you, and think of them smiling down on you, it’s lovely. And food in a cemetery sounds like heaven to me. 


Why don’t you get a subscription to the remarkable National Geographic magazine? I have been getting this for probably a third of my life, and I find something absolutely astonishing in each issue. The one I’m reading now has an extensive article about a face transplant. It’s remarkable. The photography is utterly astonishing. It’s the strangest thing to see a face removed from a cadaver and attached to a suicide victim. Each issue has something interesting, if not always quite this gobsmacking. It’s so worth getting. 


Why don’t you figure out a budget before your life spirals out of control? I think I stopped my madness before it was too late, but yikes, I looked at my budget yesterday and it was honestly the scariest Halloween of my entire life. I still shiver at the thought of it. I student teach next autumn, so finances will be even more laughably tight. I’m thinking I’ll need to lay low in Mexico this summer just to save money — it’s cheaper there than here — and then get a weekend job. Save me. 


Why don’t you be sure to never wash your jeans? Allegedly you can pop them in the freezer for a few hours and that kills off odor and bacteria and whatever else you might have accrued. It won’t really clean them, though, but that’s better than freshly washed jeans. I hate jeans. Always have. We wear them at work every Friday and I could barely get the damn things on. I mean I’m fat again, so there’s that, but freshly washed jeans shrink in the most unbearable fashion. Misery. 

One response to “WHY DON’T YOU #189

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