Monday:

Why don’t you buy property in some obscure town and then create a new identity and live there during the summers and visit on holidays? Anybody with an Internet connection will crack your cover, but don’t give them a reason to look into it. I think it’d be awfully chic to be terribly mysterious. Maybe be known for making award winning pies and giving them away? Maybe be a curmudgeonly old person who always wears a beret for no reason? Maybe part your hair the OTHER way and go by your middle name? Sounds dreamy.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you celebrate Day of the Dead? By the time this is posted, though, the holiday is done and over, so get it on your calendars for next year. I think it’s an absolutely gorgeous celebration and I love the idea of celebrating ancestors at their finest. In America, we focus too much on ignoring death or mourning endlessly. I love that on this holiday, you simply remember your grandmother or whoever impacted you, and think of them smiling down on you, it’s lovely. And food in a cemetery sounds like heaven to me. 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you get a subscription to the remarkable National Geographic magazine? I have been getting this for probably a third of my life, and I find something absolutely astonishing in each issue. The one I’m reading now has an extensive article about a face transplant. It’s remarkable. The photography is utterly astonishing. It’s the strangest thing to see a face removed from a cadaver and attached to a suicide victim. Each issue has something interesting, if not always quite this gobsmacking. It’s so worth getting. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you figure out a budget before your life spirals out of control? I think I stopped my madness before it was too late, but yikes, I looked at my budget yesterday and it was honestly the scariest Halloween of my entire life. I still shiver at the thought of it. I student teach next autumn, so finances will be even more laughably tight. I’m thinking I’ll need to lay low in Mexico this summer just to save money — it’s cheaper there than here — and then get a weekend job. Save me. 

Friday:

Why don’t you be sure to never wash your jeans? Allegedly you can pop them in the freezer for a few hours and that kills off odor and bacteria and whatever else you might have accrued. It won’t really clean them, though, but that’s better than freshly washed jeans. I hate jeans. Always have. We wear them at work every Friday and I could barely get the damn things on. I mean I’m fat again, so there’s that, but freshly washed jeans shrink in the most unbearable fashion. Misery.