Monday:

Why don’t you start composting? I’ve been home since March, and over the past months, I’ve grown somewhat manic about my yard. Either I’m really and truly old or I just understand why people yell “GET OFF MY LAWN.” I have plants everywhere. I’ve pruned everything. I’ve taken cuttings. I’ve buried rhizomes. I’ve been thriving. And I knew that I needed what Martha Stewart once called “black gold.” So I bought a composting barrel. You load it up with literal garbage and spin it around. In a month or two, this breaks down into nutritious organic material that plants love. I found the entire process thrilling. My first batch will be ready soon, I think. Rotten apples, leaves, grass, and lemon peels are turning into this fabulously rich looking black stuff. I’m so excited. 

Tuesday:

Why don’t you knife a tire as a form of stress relief? I don’t know if life is like it is in the movies for you, but I have never been in a situation where I needed to exact revenge on a foe by slashing their tires. But life is so varied these days, maybe it’s normal for you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I have a junk car in my yard that needs disposed of, so I suggested to my sister that we slash the tires for a laugh and to reduce her incredibly high stress levels. Let me tell you, reader, it takes a bit more force than you think, but it’s a supremely satisfying thing to do. The hiss of the air rushing out makes you feel like you’re in a gang. Highly recommended. 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you subscribe to the Great Courses Plus and learn everything? I’m listening to lectures on Latin, watercolor, a tour of the Universe, and self defense. What a hoot! I’m particularly enjoying the Latin lessons, which I didn’t expect. I’ve long wanted to learn the language because of it’s historical significance, but to my shocked delight, it’s really rather fun. The teacher has the worst sense of humor that honestly has me screaming with laughter while I learn how to conjugate. Latin is much easier than expected so far, too, which is a blessing! It’s not maddening like my beloved ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs. There are so many courses. It’s so fun. I love learning.

Thursday:

Why don’t you find a way to illuminate everything outside? You’ll remember from just minutes ago when I proclaimed my love for outdoor design. Well it’s become even more insane with the discovery of these solar powered light pucks I found on Amazon. They are these lovely little things that you spike into the ground and when the sun sets, they burst forth in luminance. I have my vineyard beautifully landscaped and now at night it simply glows. I have a gently lit path that leads you there. At night, it’s like being at a luxurious hotel with a sumptuous garden. I’ve spent maybe a couple hundred dollars on these lights but they’re worth so much more in the satisfaction they’ve brought me.  

Friday:

Why don’t you do yourself a favor and watch Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga on Netflix? I adore Eurovision and I’ve watched it for the past decade with religious fervor. I love the spectacle, the drama, the insanity, the absurdity, the relentless joy! You never know whether tremendous talent will take the stage, or classically trained opera singers dressed as vampires, or Russian grannies baking a cake, or Germans suggestively churning butter. The entire thing is beyond description. And it never stops being fabulous. To my shock, Will Ferrell created an ode to the contest that was hilariously funny, full of heart, and straight up stupid. I loved it so much. It was truly done with love, and I just can’t get the music out of my head. If you don’t understand Eurovision, you might not scream with the same laughter I did, but you still need to watch for the murdering elves alone. It was an absolute joy.