Why don’t you stop daydreaming about a project for dozens of years and just do it? Now I’m not the right person to be giving this kind of advice because I am an exceptionally proficient procrastinator, but I’ve managed to do something finally. I’m starting work on an enclosed garden that’s lived in my mind’s eye for longer than I can remember. The moment finally felt right, I guess, or maybe I needed all these years to ferment the vision into something lovely. Who knows? Those are excuses. I’ve planted boxwoods and built a gate. Today I’m going to try and add a door. This year is all about laying the foundations. Next year I have visions of huge concrete planters and ferns and crushed gravel pathways. But this year, at least I’ve got that gate off my mental to-do list. It feels wonderful. 


Why don’t you get yourself a big old bag of zip ties? The uses are endless and they’re one of the handy household items I simply won’t be without anymore. You can use them for everything. I have helped train plant branches, I have hidden cords, I have elevated lights, and shockingly, I put together a really rather heavy set of metal stairs in my garage. It’s easily over a hundred pounds, yet the zip ties keep it perfectly sturdy. Wild. And, if I’ve learned anything from my beloved narco telenovelas, they make excellent impromptu handcuffs. Truly an essential item in almost every sphere of life! 


Why don’t you buy an impact driver and screw things together? I’m sorry that we’ve focused so much on my uncomfortable and unexpected affinity for power tools, but these things are a delight. I was hanging up a bracket for my new stupid hose and the screws FLEW into the wood like they were being exorcised from the tool. I squealed in glee. I was finished working outside before my door even automatically locked itself — which it does in three minutes. It was powerful and it was transformative and I’m going to use it every single day. 


Why don’t you join me and celebrate the life of Olivia de Havilland? She was one of the last living stars from Hollywood’s golden age, and though she just turned 104 years old, she passed away earlier in the week. She had such star quality, vibrancy, and an obvious zest for life. Those are all qualities that I try to emulate and I so admire them in others. Much like Karl Lagerfeld, I always assumed I’d bump into Dame Olivia someday in Paris. Now it’ll never happen, but I’ll always have her movies to remind me of her. 


Why don’t you contact your state and federal congressional representatives to draft a law banning traditional garden hoses because those dummies waste all my time getting kinked up. This is clearly not the most dire of tragedies that have befallen humanity, but I get so irrationally irritated by a kinked hose. I have two hoses, one is this fabulous vinyl thing that never kinks or twists. It’s like magic. I don’t understand it. The other one is like trying to use a tool from ancient Mesopotamia in comparison. It’s insane. Ban these nightmares!

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