Monday:

Why don’t you always be prepared for power outages? I don’t mean no electricity for a couple hours or maybe an evening, I’m talking days and days. Iowa is cleaning up from a derecho, a storm that is basically a wall of wind moving at a hundred miles per hour, and something I didn’t know existed. It’s an absolutely horrid weather phenomenon. I was without power for almost a week and it took a lot of adaptation. Here’s some advice for you: always charge your phone and electronics every night, get some of those battery blocks for your phone. Get expensive ones and keep them charged. Get a generator. Get candles and keep them stocked up. Just be ready. There was absolutely no way to prepare for the storm. As I said, I wasn’t even aware it was a thing. I’ll always go to bed now knowing I’ll have backup energy in an emergency. God I’m getting so old. 

Tuesday:

Why don’t you look into a noninvasive facelift called a thread lift? I’m obsessed. It’s the first procedure that’s ever made me feel even mildly uneasy. The name is even vaguely sinister — like you’re being sewn or you’re a puppet. I can’t stop looking at before and after photos. I loooooooooove plastic surgery too much. I’ve eagerly watched people get chunks of their ribs removed for nasal reconstruction. I’ve seen ear cartilage harvested. I’ve seen absolute carnage from auto accidents. I’ve seen breast implants explode. I’ve seen a guy have a reaction to bicep implants. It’s all fascinating and I watch without feeling unsettled. But these threads are different. Wow. Horrifying. Magical. Breathtaking. I can’t wait to get them. 

Wednesday:

Why don’t you start watching my new favorite show to watch after midnight, Drain the Oceans? It makes me scream. Every single episode makes me scream. The first one I watched was about the Titanic and I was in shock half the time. Using a combination of radars and sonars and other fabulous pieces of technology, they are able to create data points of buried/sunken objects and then remove extraneous matter in a 3D model. It sounds convoluted and it is, but it’s absolutely nuts. There was an episode where parts of the Nile were drained, and reader, I’m glad I live alone, because I was literally standing next to the screen, staring at it from inches away, howling with curiosity. One of my pet Egyptological theories has to do with mapping the ancient Nile river and so this was insanity. Start streaming immediately. 

Thursday:

Why don’t you vote? For the love of God, please vote. VOTE. 

Friday:

Why don’t you learn to do something basic but immensely impressive? Certain techniques inspire horror, though there’s nothing particularly challenging about them. Think of a soufflé. Would you ever dare make one, or do you just know it’ll fall? There’s the same enigma in the shadows of a traditional French omelette. When done by a chef, it looks like a masterpiece that took centuries of training. But like most things in life, with a little practice and focused attention, it’s not that hard. I practiced with maybe six eggs before I was rolling beautifully cloudy omelettes onto a plate and feeling very RICH.