My masterpiece is a mess in progress.


Why don’t you create a private park in your yard? Now, this suggestion obviously has prerequisites, but by all means turn your balcony into a park. Turn your living room into a park if you have a window. Be ridiculous. Always be ridiculous. I have a frightening area of my yard that is overgrown and filled with inorganic debris, so it’s a part of the world I don’t go. I never even think about it. Decades ago this was an area with a barn and accoutrements necessary for raising livestock. The barn is long gone, though, and all that remains is the stone foundation. In the summer, stinging nettles quickly take over and choke out any life. It’s horrible. Rusted things everywhere. Glass shards erupt from the ground at random. But now that the weather is nice and the weeds aren’t threatening to eat me alive, YET, I’ve discovered that this has the potential to be a truly STUNNING space. I’m manically clearing it out, and I’ve rarely felt so alive; when I finish one of the spaces, it’s spectacular. Sunset from the century old hand-laid boulder foundation terrace is like being on a resort. It’s like being in the Parc des Buttes-Chaumont in Paris. But I’m not in France, just in a beautiful corner of my yard that I can sculpt into my perfect park. I’ve not yet spent a penny and I’ve rarely been so happy. Back to work!


Why don’t you take up the ancient art of astrology and learn more than just your main sign? I’ve been studying my ascendant and moon sign and it’s been shocking. And I’m slightly unnerved because I don’t understand how it knows me better than I know myself. It’s alarming information, because I truly believe there’s no reason I’m myself other than the fact that I’m myself. Still these descriptors are oddly specific. Unsettling really to find that maybe you’re just reacting to life because of how the stars were aligned at the moment of your birth. Very strange. As a Leo with ascendent Scorpio and a Sagittarius moon, well, you know what that means. You will once you start studying. It’s wild. Even though it might mean nothing, why not have fun?


Why don’t you try the rapid setting on your dishwasher? If you’re anything like me, you always use the heavy duty cycle with a boost feature if you have it. Why? I have no idea. I just assume my dishes are so disgusting that they always need to be washed for at least two hours. I mean it’s no more effort for me to hit a couple buttons. The other day I accidentally started the rapid cycle and I was livid with myself, but when it was over the dishes were just as clean and I was gobsmacked. Who knew? Now we all do. I’ve been saving so much time and surely water and surely energy. I’ve gotten my life back. 


Why don’t you, and I know I’ve suggested it before, but why don’t you go and get yourself new windows and doors? The last pieces of my ground level are being installed as I type, and it’s miraculous how they’ve transformed my space. LIGHT EVERYWHERE. They’re clear as crystal. The screens are completely intact. The frames aren’t cracked and yellow. They look divine. They open and close without complaint. And the shadows they cast! My god, I have never felt more like a middle class suburban white lady, but I absolutely don’t care! I’m in a state of ecstasy. I watched a severe thunderstorm roll in last night after the kitchen door was installed, and honey, it was like being in Twister. Install them yourself. Hire somebody. Just get them. You need them. You don’t know how much you really truly do need them!


Why don’t you name your home as the British do, then get custom letterhead printed on heavy paper to charm your friends, intrigue your neighbors, and befuddle your loved ones? Maybe add a touch of gilding? Some light embossing? I don’t believe a legitimate reason exists to ever not be ridiculous or enjoy your life. Why not after all? Is there going to be an angel in the afterlife taking me to task for having fun? I think not. Anyway, my home has been christened The Palace, so I’ll be thinking up designs for my stationary! I can’t wait to send you a letter! (By the way, does anybody understand how mail gets delivered to an address like: The Laurels, Surrey, England? It seems more like an act of God to get your Amazon package that way. I’m sure I’m wrong. It wouldn’t exist if it didn’t work. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

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