Can you breathe? Are you a quivering pile of goo? Can you hand me a cigarette? Why, you ask. Well, I just had the strongest Applegasm I’ve ever had, and I’ve had many. The blogosphere was so chatty about the new iPhone (which is digital sex) that I didn’t even hear about the new iPods. OH. MY. SWEET. GHERKIN. GIMME!

I can’t get over how beautiful the new iPods are. I love everything about them. I want all of them. That chartreuse makes me weak in the knees. The deep salmon makes me believe in God. The charcoal reveals that there is good on Earth still. The white is pure as Heaven. And I respect the blue, not super jazzed for it, but I’d take it. I never thought they’d make the iPod Touch in color. (Is it a good thing Steve Jobs died? I didn’t just say that. I take it back. Sorry.) But, let’s be honest, these things are stunning.

I have owned every generation of the iPod Touch, it is one of my absolute favorite things. I remember when they first came out and weren’t in stock anywhere. I finally hunted one down at a Best Buy and fell madly in love. They didn’t have any apps, you couldn’t customize them, you couldn’t do much at all. We didn’t understand that back then. Looking back on it now, I couldn’t understand why we were all gaga for these devices like the first iPhone. Then, I recalled the phone I was using. I Motorola flip phone. It didn’t even have Snake on it. I jailbroke my iPod as soon as I could figure it out and loved it even more.

Each iPod has brought me greater joy. This one will as well. I’m getting one just as soon as they come out. Next paycheck = preorder. I’m having serious issues, though. What color?

I was pretty sure I’d go for the chartreuse:

But the salmon is doing things to me:

I just don’t know. This is soooooo stressful. #firstworldproblems Honestly, if somebody told me I had to pick between a new iPod right now and dinner with Zac Efron… It would be a hard choice. I don’t know what I’d do.

I don’t understand these new loop things, but I’m getting one:

SWEET JESUS, I just read that the backs are made of the same metal as the MacBook Pro. I die. I’m dead. I’m a ghost. I’ve been waiting for non shiny non scratched backs since forever. SOLD!

The new camera looks amazing. It has a flash! A FLASH, BITCHES! And the new connector gets me overexcited…in my pants. Don’t even get me started on the new headphones. I’m gagging over them, can’t wait to put them in my ears.

And then I saw these:

I don’t even need one, but I obviously can’t live without one. The salmon is so freaking cute.

I’m so freaking excited. I think I’ll use the iPod as my new camera for my trip to Europe in November. The iPod has Dictation on it, so I can speak my blog posts. *deep breaths* Won’t I just drip with elegance with my Warby Parker glasses, Indochino suit, and chartreuse iPod? I’d do me. (Or salmon iPod? Or charcoal iPod? I have until October 1, to decide. It’s not enough time!)