I decided that not drinking before watching the show was an awful idea. You need alcohol to make it tolerable. No wonder Mike later got drunk on wine. (Did you know they could drink at the house — excuse me — at the palatial mansion? I didn’t. Why would they let them — ratings? Wine doesn’t make your abs pop, boys!) Jessica and I hit up Casa’s before watching and I’m so glad that I had two margaritas in me because this show puts me on edge. Even more now for reasons I’ve discussed before. Throughout the program, I worried Jessica was about to have a vessel pop in her brain. It stressed her out as much as me. Often, she would dramatically throw herself back into the couch and moan, “I can’t!” I can’t blame her. The nonsense continued.

Let’s get started. This week’s episode will be narrated by my favorite Golden Girl and spirit animal, Blanche Devereaux, and a couple of her housemates.

• The house is so pedestrian. Lip decals on the wall. The phrase “BROS BEFORE HOS” plastered in the gentleman’s quarters. Please.
• Our cable comapny decided to show ten minutes of episode two instead of starting with episode three. I’m sure we didn’t miss out on anything.
• They look like idiotic zombies as they make their way down this vertical runway. The premise is beyond ridiculous and I’m offended that they would put on such a ridiculous show.
• Can’t help but laugh hysterically as they fall. You’re on a cord, you aren’t going to plummet to your death.
• Mike seems to think that everybody but him has modeling experience. Yes, Mike, that’s why you’re all competing on this show that makes models disappear.
• Chlea’s dead grandmother gave her the strength to walk down a building.
• “I don’t want this, I need this.” One boring contestant tells us. It’s not as if there are a million other career paths in the world, you know?
• “Human is beautiful,” is a decal in the Tyra suite. Tyra is all over. I’d be scared to stay there.
• “LUV your BEAUTY, WERK your BOOTY!” reads another decal. STOP!
• I love Chris S’s hair. It’s so curly and old fashioned.
• Don and Marvin make me ill. “My condom expires this week,” they tell the ladies. Disgusting.
• Marvin looked like he was about to rape Chlea.
• He’s harassing the contestants and trying to make them spend five minutes together. I’m disgusted.
• Tyra Mail needs to work on their grammar. Words are capitalized for no reason.
• The picture is of Tyra as a police officer, for reasons unknown, and her hair billows in the wind like a poorly constructed GIF. It is the “coolest thing” Kanini has ever seen. *eye roll*
• This week’s photo shoot is about marriage. The dummies think that they are going to be officially wed as they shout, “LEGALLY!?!?!?!”  I want to kill them.
• Side note: I would have rocked a wedding shoot. 
• Jourdan tells us all about how she was married at 18 and divorced at 18 for the 4,897th time. This photo shoot is really going to be emotional for her. GO HOME!
• “Did you see the picture of me in the Tyra Mail?” Tyra asks the contestants who react as if this is a competition to see who saw it the best.
• Oh sweet Jesus…Tyra is doing all their makeup and just introduced something called a Flixel. It’s a GIF. Really?
• Marvin is still trying to hook up with the people who won’t have him, discussing the sexual tension. I’d shout at them all to put their penises and vaginas away.
• “Who would you want to marry [Cory]?” “Oh my god…none of these people.”
• The makeup artists look terrified as Tyra approaches them.
• Jeremy and Jourdan were selected for the nude shoot. I’d be thrilled for this one. Turns out they’re just wearing flesh tones Spanx. Not so much fun.
• I swear these contestants are idiots. The application explicitly asks for detailed personal information that the producers can mine to make the contestants uncomfortable, and yet they act shocked when these things are brought up.
• The producers show us how they make GIFs…er, I mean Flixels.
• MIKE IS HORRIBLE!
• Tyra is behind the scenes still pretending she’s a makeup artist. She was all: 
• Cory and Chlea are portraying a tattooed wedding. I don’t get it at all.
• “I’m very expertise in the woman.” –Don
• Chris looks horrible in his shoot. He doesn’t understand what he’s doing. Please send him home.
• Phil is marrying a remote. He looks more in love than any of the other people.
• I’m so disgusted by Marvin. He is trying way too hard to get the ladies. It’s vile.
• Chris S. is great in this thug wedding photo. I like him. I want to be a background artist back there making it rain. I liked this shoot.
• Mike is drunk and it’s gross. He’s not a fun drunk like me. I would have started a dance party.
• Tyra just tried to steal Ru’s thunder when she said, “Can I get an amen?” I NEARLY DIED. IT WASN’T RIGHT! 
• UGH, I FORGOT ABOUT THE NUMBERS THAT THE JUDGES GIVE THE CONTESTANTS MEAN NOTHING.
• I vote for the thug wedding. “Chris, you look like a lesbian in this photo.” Kelly Cutrone rudely declares.
• Why don’t they use numbers that are actually relevant? If you hate the picture, you don’t give it a seven. You give it a two!
• I live for Kelly. I’d hate her in panel, but while watching, she makes sense.
• I’m so offended by the judges telling the male contestants that they look like women. It’s so rude!
• “You look like an 80-year old Russian woman working in the potato fields.” –Kelly on Nina.
• Marvin looks like a murderer and all the judges love it.
• Marvin is called first, undeserved.
• THEN DON AND THEN CHRIS. H.????  WHAT? THESE ARE ALL MY DISLIKES.
• I’m so upset about that tiny little Chris S. being sent home. He was so cute!
• This show is just miserable and yet I can’t stop watching. I wish that ANTM and I could be like this: